Yo

Psssst.....

Anyone here?????

Do people blog anymore???

I mean people who don't have gazillions of followers.  People who don't get paid to write about random products.  People who...are...um...just blogging for the hell of it.

Do they still exist??

I stepped away from this blog for over a year for many reasons, but, the most obvious reason is because it represents a life that I do not live anymore.

I no longer live in the country.  With horses.  With a dog named Jersey.  With barn cats and smells of manure and wet dirt.

I no longer take pictures of random nothings.  Beautiful nothings.  I bring out my DSLR when there is a school/sports/holiday event that I know I will want to see when old and gray.

OK.  That's a lie.

I have an iPhone.  Currently with over 1000 photos that I must do something about.

Hold me.

I am no longer a stay at home mom dedicating my entire life to my family and putting myself last.  Let me rephrase that.  My children are my life and will always be my life.  But now I work outside of the home and occasionally get a pedicure.

The person I considered my best friend for over 30 years is no longer my husband or my friend.  I am not married. I am a single, working mother of three amazing children who now lives in a small house in town with a small dog named Molly.

So much for life plans, huh?

Life has been a huge bag of WTF since July 2014, but I am still here.  I have learned some major life lessons and some major self care lessons.

I am strong

I am happy

I am worthy

And I will not put up with anything less than I deserve.

I am me

I will not be anyone else

I will not change myself so others will accept me

Like me or not

Whatever

I like what I like

I hate what I hate

I do what I do

Want what I want

Need what I need

I am not the same person I was before July 2014.  I never will be again.

Except I still love aprons

And my kids.....

even though they are bigger than me.....

and say bad words.

Welcome to my new life.

Get lost 2014

Wow.
To say I am shocked that people still read my stuff is an understatement.
Thank you for sticking with me after months and months of me standing you up....kinda sorta.

I am so effing happy that 2014 is almost over.  Next to losing my daddy in 2012, this year has completely sucked big fat hairy balls and can ride off into the sunset and be forgotten.
Just like jelly shoes....
....Milli Vanilli....
....and Rainbow Brite.

Dear 2014.
F U.
Love Me.

Despite the crappyness of the past 6 months, I have been told by many, many people that I seem more relaxed and happier than I ever have been.

I am.
Finally.

The truth is, I was living a life that I did not enjoy.  I tried my hardest to be the person I thought I should be.  I tried my hardest to make others happy.

But realized that I was not living the life I wanted.  I was not the person I wanted to be.  I was not happy.  It took a big fat punch to my gut for me to realize it, but, who cares now.  I realized it and acted on it because if I know anything after losing my daddy, it is that life is too fucking short to be unhappy.

*side note.  I did not get punched in the gut.  It just felt that way at the time.

Soooooooo........my plan for 2015?

To be me.
To find happiness.  I am already starting.
To live simply.
To love harder than I have ever loved before.  Myself and others.
To be a happy mom for my kids, even if it means saying no sometimes and teaching them that life isn't always rainbows and candy.
To get a job.  HA.

Amen  Hallelujah to new beginnings.

Yo

Yo.
Remember me?

I just spent many, many minutes trying to get back into this blog because I could not remember any of my passwords.  For a few of those minutes I thought that maybe this was a sign that I should just give up and let my blog go down in history.

But instead, I kept going.

Typing in every possible password I could think of until I had to prove who I was and make up a new one that I probably wont remember tomorrow.

Here I am.  Now what?  Where do I start?

My life is not what it was 6 months ago when I talked about horses and cats and Jersey the dog. In fact, it has completely been turned upside down into something I never would have predicted in a gazillion years.

I am surviving.  I take it day by day and consider every morning I get out of bed a huge success.  Yay me!  ((((group hug))))

I am still deciding if I should make this private so I can write my thoughts without fear of judgement and catty opinions, but, who knows?!

I have always considered writing a form of therapy and have wanted to return to this blog for months, but would not do so until some unfinished business was...ummmm.....finished. Instead of writing, I drove (and still do) to my therapist every week or two to spill my guts about my fucked up life. Finally I feel like I am on the right path for myself....for my sanity.

I am looking forward to happiness and joy.
I am looking forward to leading the life that I choose.
I am looking forward to finding myself.

But shit, it is alot of work.

A new haircut always helps.