June 01, 2009

Not Me! Monday!

Hola amigos! I know, I know. I speak French and English on my blog and now Spanish. Not only am I great at multi-tasking and hiding chocolate from my kids, but I am also trilingual.

Yes. You can be my friend.

Anyways, it is Monday and you know what that means? Time for me to tell you all about the stuff that I did not do/say/think/see during the past week. And you know what I am going to say.......

My life is like a well written novel. Well thought-out and no errors. I think before I speak. I keep my not-nice thoughts to myself. I know everything and make no mistakes.

You believe me right?

So this week I did not curse at a robin because she kept flying away before I could take a picture of her in her nest with her babies. I also did not sneak up to that nest approximately 49 times with my camera ready to click the perfect picture. That is a robin right???

I did not sit on a rock in silence with my camera beside Mr. Momma's bird feeders waiting for a pretty bird to come by. I would not sit there for 30 minutes waiting.....and waiting.......

I am not a 72 year old man who owns binoculars and bird books. Honest.

My children did not play in my minivan on an evening outside with their daddy. And if they did, they most definitely did not leave something on all night. Because if they did that, the battery would die.

The battery did not die. Ok, it did dammit.

After almost witnessing an accident, I did not drive up beside the careless driver and flap my hands and shake my head. It had nothing to do with me and I am sure he almost crapped his pants anyways.

While attempting to play baseball with my sons, I did not tell middle child that I did not want to play with him anymore because he was too "bossy". He is 5 years old. I am 30 something. There are better ways to deal with a difficult, bossy kid. Right?

We went to visit my mother in law yesterday. While leisurely driving on the back roads and enjoying the scenery, my oldest child did not start freaking out while covering his mouth. We did not pull over faster than you can say "vomit session approaching" and get him out of the van. He was fine. So we got back in and continued our drive.

That same child did not vomit on his grandmothers carpet as soon as we arrived.

Two hours later, middle child did not run up to the bathroom a little too late.

Middle child did not pee his pants all over his grandmother's bathroom. And if he did, he most certainly did not wear a towel around his waist and then a pair of his grandmother's exercise shorts home.

I am a wonderful mother and would not forget to bring a change of clothes for all of my children. In the event of a kid who vomits and a kid who pees himself in the same afternoon, I am always prepared and would not go anywhere without all of our emergency "stuff". Really. Honest. Seriously.

This is not a picture of one of my children relieving himself at the top of his treehouse. Remember? My children are always well-mannered, respectful, responsible and follow the rules. FYI I did not know what he was doing until after I took this picture.

Fun times my friends. Fun times.


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MOMMY-MOMO said...

now thats a great list!

Jenn said...

You are hilarious! That's some list!

Cindy McNeal said...

ok I have to stop laughing to be able to type! Cute, cute post. I have decided to follow your blog it is so funny! I found you on Mckmama's blog this morning. I would love to have you follow my blog too, being that it would be nice to have more than five followers. But if you judge a blog by its posts, scroll back a few, I had a bad, boring week LOL! I would love to have some blogs to read and to be followed by with some humor... yours has it!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. GOSH!!!

I ALWAYS packed a bag w/ 3 sets of clothing for kiddo, if I didn't take it with us, it never failed, we needed them and more!

That reminds me of a story ... ooo I must blog now!!

Isabel Princes said...

Haha, I am so not with you and am always prepared for anything. And my mother in law does not treat me I'm debra and she's marie from everybody loves raymond. Right, is that that jist of not me?

Foursons said...

I was laughing the entire way through your post and almost choked when I saw the picture. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!! And I love the title of your blog. I am definetly stopping back by once I comment on other blogs in order to solicit more visitors to mine. Wait, did I say that or think that?

Jenny said...

ahahaha that was too funny. I love the pic you got of the birds.

Heatherlyn said...

So funny! You have a lot of adventures. Some of them, it sounds like, you could do without. I'm not sure how you were unlucky enough to end up with a vomitting and pants-wetting child on the same evening. As far as I'm concerned, you are set for life and should never have to deal with any of that ever again!

Kristi said...

Best Not Me's I have read all day, too funny. After they are potty trained no more spare clothes fro my kids, I may rethink that. See you around McMama's.