Alone

Oh, hi.  

Long time, no talk.

Life went and got all busy and stuff, when I really just want to sit down and watch Dr. Phil and eat ice cream.

In my plaid jammies.

With my hair up.

And zit cream on.

Whatever.

So the other day when I was at the gym on the treadmill, I was deep thinking in between my near-death deep breaths.

I.Am.Alone.

Like, me, myself and I alone.  

No one I need to tell when I'm going out or going to be late.  No one I need to share a closet or bathroom with.  No one I have to buy red meat for....

...or peppers and onions...

...or rice pudding.

I.Am.Alone.

If I die tomorrow, there will not be a husband/partner's name in my obituary.  There won't be a grieving man standing over my photos.

As that thought crossed my mind, I looked around at the other men at the gym.

And I was totally OK with being alone.

Ew.

But I do need a handyman.  That's all.  

I'll invite him over to replace the pot lights in my basement, fix the bricks at the front of the house, hang some pictures and maybe rip up my carpet and replace with hardwood.

He can stay for a drink.

Then I'll ask him to put together my deck chairs....

...and go with me to purchase a BBQ.

When he carries it to my backyard, I'll give him some cashews or some manly snack.

And I will nicely ask him to put it together for me.

And see if he can stain my deck.

Then I will send him off on his way.

And I will be alone.

With my fixed up house.

Dear Men. Im sorry. I still like you.

I had the flu during Easter.  Not just any flu.  The near death, shoot me now to put me out of my misery kind of flu.

Wowsers.

I didn't know if I was going to survive to write another blog post.  

But I am still here.

And here is a blog post.

You're welcome.

Confession.  I have no idea what to write about.  

I mean, I could write about my adventures dating at 40 years old, but it might deter any of you from leaving your house.  Ever.

Its all good though, because I am learning about the opposite sex.  And it is entertaining.................

Most men do not know how to be on their own.  They need companionship. They need to feel wanted at all times.  They need attention.  Any kind of attention if you know what I mean.  If men are left alone, it gives them too much time to think.  Men thinking causes depression. When men are depressed, they look for attention so they don't have to think anymore.  When looking for attention, they grab on to anything they can and change who they are to keep that person around

Its a vicious cycle that someone needs to find a cure for.  Can someone invent a pill to give to men as soon as their relationship ends so they can not find a woman until they are normal human beings again?

Men at my age have baggage.  Some have just a carry on full of baggage.  Some have multiple, very large suitcases full of heavy baggage.  Some think they don't have any, but, I quickly learn that they need a storage unit for the amount of baggage that travels with them.  Fun times. I feel like a baggage investigator........

*How many kids do they have?  How many women have these kids?

*Are they recently out of a marriage?

*Is their separation amicable?

*Were they arrested recently...or ever?

*Are they close to their family?

*Do they have a job?  What kind of job? 

*Do they own a home/rent an apartment alone/live with mom and dad?  

*Does their ex have a new spouse?  Is he/she psychotic?

*Is this guy dating multiple women at once?

*Does he have friends?

*Hobbies?

*Does he get jealous easily?

I am the most non-judgmental, open minded human being you will ever know, but if I have to deal with excessive loads of baggage, I will run as fast as I can in the other direction.  

Dear Men.  Get your shit together before looking for a woman who has her shit together. 

OK, hang on.  

I am not saying I don't have baggage.  I do not trust easily and it will take a unique human being for me to completely trust again.   My self confidence could use some work.  The life I planned on living with the person I planned on living it with is no longer a possibility, so I have to climb back up and put myself on a pedestal.  Working on it.  

The difference is I know this.  I am not pretending to not have baggage.  I am not chasing men trying to find anyone I can "settle" with.  I am focusing on becoming happy alone.  If, after that, someone comes around and I want to add them to my already happy life, perfect.

In the meantime, Ill be a hermit and not leave my house.

Happy Life, Happy Momma

First of all, let me give all of you a huge cyber hug and fist bump.  Your many comments and well wishes after my last blog post touched my hurt, scarred, fragile heart.

Secondly, let me say that I am good.  Despite the fact that my entire world is completely different than it was 2 years ago, I am totally OK with it.  Like more than OK.  

Watching my daddy slowly decline in health and then losing him almost 4 years ago (at a young age) changed me.  

Losing a parent does that to you. 

It messes you up.  

It teaches you things.  

It makes you realize that life is too fucking short to live unhappily.

I curse alot.  Prepare yourselves.

Have you ever just sat back and thought about how short this life really is?  Like really.  The smell of my high school hallways is still in my brain.  I still know all of the words to songs I sang in the 80's. I feel like college graduation was recently.  But, in less than 10 years I will be 50 years old.

WTF??!!!!!!!!

Have you ever sat back and thought about your life?  Is it fun?  Is it exciting?  Are you happy?  Do you do things that make you smile?  Do you feel like you have accomplished much?  Do you love? Are you loved?  Are you truly yourself or pretending to be someone else to make others happy?

Because, before you know it, this life will be over and it would suck balls if you have regrets and feel you wasted it, don't you think?

Losing my dad opened my eyes to alot, but, mostly that I was not living the life I wanted.  I was not the person I wanted to be.  I was not loved the way I wanted to be loved.  I was not loving the way I wanted to love.  I was not having fun.  

When others would ask what made me happy, I couldn't answer them, because I had no idea.

Sad, isn't it?

But now.........

Pedicures

Getting my eyebrows done

Cranking my tunes on the way to work

Long conversations with people who truly care for me

Dancing

Drinking wine in a fancy glass

Staying in my PJ's all day while eating cookies and Kool Aid.

Spending 2 hours sweating at the gym

Drinking out of the full pitcher from the fridge

Long hikes in new places with people I care for

Positive comments at work

Owning a non-shedding dog

I can write you a book about what makes me happy.

Who wants to go on a vacation to celebrate this short but enjoyable life??!!!!!!!!!