April 26, 2012

I am pretty sure this is what Hell is like.

I haven't had a good cry since the night my dad went to Heaven.
Since then there have been tears and just a constant feeling of brokenness, but not a good ugly cry.
Is it because I am in shock?
Relieved that he is no longer suffering?
Angry that he was taken so young?

I don't know.

What I do know is that I can barely get myself out of bed.
And thinking of my children without their Papa makes me sick to my stomach.

It is taking all I have to just put one foot in front of the other, when all I want to do is hide from the world.
Today Princess was playing with a motorcycle pretending to be Papa because that is what Papa loved to do so much.
I played with her.
But I really wanted to scream at God for leaving my daughter with just memories.
She deserves to know her Papa.
Not just remember him.
She probably wont remember him without us showing her pictures and telling her stories.
She wont remember calling him "Pops", having him put whipped cream on her nose.
She will never get to go for a ride on his motorcycle or nap with him in the trailer.
He wont see her graduate from preschool, elementary school, high school, university.

Shock? Yes.
Numb? Yes.
Relieved? Yes.
Angry? Yes.

This is Hell.

Have you experienced loss like this?
Is there a manual telling us how to get through it without completely losing your shit?
Or will I feel like this forever?

It has been 9 days.
I miss my Daddy.

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Elaine A. said...

I have not experienced loss like this yet. I have experienced it like your daughter though. My Dad's father died when I was three and my dad constantly tells me what kindred spirits we are and how many ways we were/are alike.

It's hard no matter what and no matter how long. Continued prayers and thoughts of peace for you Vikki.

Patti said...

I lost both of my parents 4 months and 3 weeks apart. I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. Add the word "orphan" to your list. No one tells you about that. I was 45. We each grieve in our own way...that's why there is no manual. You are doing well for 9 days momma...be kind to yourself. It does get better.

Foursons said...

No- there is no manual. Everyone grieves differently but everything you are experiencing is completely normal.

I don't know if this helps, but Nolan was 3 when my dad died and he remembers him and talks about him often and tells me a lot that he misses him. So even though your sweet girl is young, it doesn't mean she won't have her own memories of your dad.

Hang in there. This first year is a long road to walk and you will feel raw emotions probably the entire time because it will be the first time you do something without him and it will bring back the pain all over again.

I'm here if you need an ear, have questions, want to cry, or want to scream. I get it- I really get it.


Gigi said...


Jen said...

Oh honey, there is no mannul. God, how I wish there was. When Lorretta died, I felt so angry and betrayed. She was not supposed to die. She wasn't supposed to make my children hurt and cry for her.

The only advice I can give it just feel those emotions, cry when you need to.

What I found helpful for me was busying myself in 'normal life' and eventually getting some grief counseling. Counseling was good because it gave me someone to talk to.. someone to listne and ofter a different perspective on things and help me heal.

Hugs, my friend.

Stacy Uncorked said...

Oh I'm so sorry about your loss! ((HUGZ!!))

I haven't experienced a loss like that yet - but it makes me all the more anxious to get moved back to the Seattle area since my dad had a stroke a couple of years ago, and we've recently learned he has water on the brain. He's 68, and I'd really like to have Princess Nagger spend some quality time with him before he's gone. And me, too.

My hubby's father passed October 2010 - the agony subsides a bit, but it's still there...especially on his dad's birthday, father's day, and the anniversary date of his passing.

Cathi said...

When my 17 year old daughter was killed in an auto accident I wanted to die too. I forced myself to get out of bed every single day because I had two sons to live for. I had very close friends and family members who supported me and guided me but most importantly I have a strong belief in God and an understanding of death and our purpose here on earth. Unfortunately the only thing that seems to heal the loss of a loved one is time and time takes time. It's been almost 15 years since Britt died and I can still feel her, hear her voice and smell her hair. It's like it was yesterday that she kissed me good-bye for the day and told me she loved me.
Continue to hug your daughter and tell her stories of her Papa.
Thinking of you and wishing you good days!

I am Harriet said...

I'm getting over the loss of my father as well. You just gotta move on.

Have a great weekend!

Melissa Rheinlander said...

I could have written this post... my Daddy passed away almost 3 years ago and I became pregnant with my daughter not too long after he passed. It is still hard and I still cry and get angry! It does get easier (not better but easier) and you will have those random moments where you will cry... {{HUGS}}

Jenners said...

It is hell. And it is hard. And it takes time … lots of time … until you get your feet back under you. I found that I dreamt of my dad all the time and it helped in some ways … but waking up was like losing him all over again. The only thing that helps is time. Hang in there.

Cuzinlogic said...

I have not expreieced a loss like this, but I hope it gets easier for you soon. Take care.

Heatherlyn said...

I didn't experience a big cry when my Mom died. Some crying before her funeral. (I hated her funeral. It was surreal. Like, I was supposed to be able to talk to my Mom about it but she was the one in the casket. It was awful.) But I was more mad and sad when I knew she was going to die before she did. But then, I don't know ... what can I do? Nothing. It's like there is no point at being overly upset simply because of the certainty that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, and also for the simple fact that the world can be as horrible and unfair as it is wonderful and miraculous. I almost felt like what good does it do to be sad and upset when I can't change it in any way at all? If that makes sense. It sounds overly practical, but I really feel like being mad or angry would be a waste of my time.

My Mom was mad when her Mom died though. I don't think she ever got over it. My Mom died 3 years after her mother passed. She was so mad and thought it was so unfair that other women her age still had their mothers and she didn't any longer. Well, now I am 20 years younger than my mother was when she lost her mother ... I sometimes wonder if she gave up because she missed her mother so much? But oh well, the fact is that I not only lost my closest grandmother but also my Mom within 3 years and I refuse to be all bitter about it like my Mom was.

I just hope that I live a long and healthy life so that my children don't have to lose a mother until they are at least grandparents. Death is inevitable but it would be nice if it didn't happen so soon.

I also do feel particularly comforted that I will see my mother again and that the death is a temporary parting. It still sucks, but again, there is nothing I can do in the meantime.

I also have some very good memories of my great-grandma who died when I was about 4. I have felt close to her as I've pondered her life throughout my life. So there is hope that your daughter might remember your Dad herself and feel close to him during her life.

I really am sorry for your loss. It can be really hard. The feelings you have are depressing and also very natural to have. I think it is OK to give yourself time to feel those things and then also give yourself permission to find happiness in your life again.