June 16, 2012

Fathers Day

Just to add to the bag of suckage that is my grief over missing my dad, Fathers Day lands on the 2 month "anniversary" of the day Dad went to Heaven.
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Cruel.

I have been dreading this day. Actually I dread every day, because it is one more day of not seeing him, hearing his voice and just having him here on this Earth with me.
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Cruel.

I spend my days storing the memories away so he will never be forgotten.
I spend my days remembering his voice, his laugh, the way he waved when having his picture taken.
I constantly think about our last few days with him and if there was anything I should have done differently. Anything I should have said to him, but I know, deep down, I said what I needed to say....and he heard me.
The squeezing of my hands as I told him how much I love him and that we would take care of Mom forever and for always.
The tear that I wiped away from his face.

He knew how I felt and I am comforted knowing that I said what I needed to say, and he heard it.

So, before I go on about my anguish and anger, I want to share things about my Father. Of course, to me, he was the most perfect man, ever, but, I think after reading these, you will agree.

1. Motorcycles were my Dad's passion. There was never a time in his adult life that he did not own a motorcycle.
2. He was a meat and potatoes kind of guy. If you put any sort of fancy-schmancy food in front of him, he would turn it away.
3. He liked Lady Gaga.
4. He always waved when having his picture taken.150711_10150838822180953_251315560_n
5. Cat lover.
6. Studley the dog lover. He loved my dog more than me. OK, maybe not, but pretty darn close.
7. He worked for the same company for 35+ years. I had no idea how loved and respected he was until the day of his funeral when the many people lined up were past and present employees/supervisors.
8. He had a soft spot for my middle child.
9. The History Channel was his favourite.
10. And CNN.
11. And the local 24 hour news channel.
12. Sometimes Dad would speak before thinking.
13. He would always mute the music in the car when I was belting out a tune.
14. He tried to teach me how to drive standard. Then he gave up. LOL.
15. When pouring us a drink, he would always just pour a drop or two and then move on to the next cup.
16. He always sprayed whipped cream on my kids noses.
17. When my kids were misbehaving, he told me I should have a few more.
18. He loved to "tinker". He could take things apart and put them back together working better than they did brand new.
19. He was the middle of three boys....and the last when he went to Heaven.
20. He could fall asleep sitting up, no problem.
21. When I was a kid and my mom would listen to rock music, Dad would listen to Lionel Richie and Celine Dion.
22. His nickname was "Biker Bob", but to us, he was Dad and Papa....sometimes even Pops.
 23. He ate bananas on his eggs.  Like me. 
24. No one will ever compare.
25. Ever.
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"My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it."
-- Clarence Budington Kelland

*This is going to be a tough day.  Hold me.  Tell me I will get through this without losing my shit.  Tell me everything is going to be ok.  Tell me my denial/anger and feelings of complete sadness will diminish just a little bit.  Tell me that sometimes awful, horrible things happen for a reason.  Tell me why my Daddy was taken so young. 



8 comments:

Angie said...

Awwww... I'm sorry for your loss. Clearly you loved your father very much and miss him even more. I understand that. Boy do I. I hope you make it through tomorrow as best you can.

Hugs to you,

Angie

Gigi said...

I thought of you when I woke up and realized that today was Father's Day. I knew it would be a tough one for you.

Lots and lots of hugs for you.

Karen said...

I'm popping over from Your Sindays Best. Beautiful photos....especially the ones of your waving, handsome Dad. You WILL get through this without losing your shit!! You will because of the love between you and your Dad. I am so sorry for your loss.

Nancy Claeys said...

My dad passed in 2007 after a lengthy battle with Alzheimer's. His passing was a blessing at that point. Father's Day still feels weird to me, like I think they should cancel it because my dad isn't here. *sigh*

It will get easier, I promise. Big hugs to you on this day.

Adrienne said...

I'm crying with you as I read this. It started when I saw that second photo. Such a kind face and kind eyes. I can only tell you that I feel with you...I dread the day that I will face this loss. You have a done a really beautiful job of remembering and paying tribute to him here. Hugs.

Elaine A. said...

First of all, thank you for reading and commenting on my post. I KNOW it was a hard day for you. I cannot fully fathom how much you miss him but I can feel it from your words.

I adore your list. And continuing to honor his memory will help but the difficulty of him not being with you has my heart hurting so badly for you, my friend.

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers....

Pride In Photos said...

That was a beautiful tribute to your Father...
Laurie @ Pride in Photos

Jenners said...

Such a great way to remember and honor your dad … and treasure the fact that you got to say what you needed to say to your dad. That is the one thing I wish so so much that I had been able to do. Hugs.