March 20, 2013

Crap I dont know how to do......

Believe it or not, there are many things that I don't know how to do.
I can admit it.
No one is perfect.
Even though I pretend I am totally "put together", I really am a messed up puzzle.

Whatever.

Lets pretend you're my therapist.
Except I am not paying you big bucks.
Lets pretend I am laying on your leather sofa, while you sit in your fancy shmancy chair with your pretty pen and notebook.

You: "OK, Vikki.  You're great at pretending that you are Superwoman and can do anything and everything.  You seem like you are all put together, but is there anything that you cannot do?"

Me: {ugly cry}
Me: {wiping boogers}
Me: {wiping tears}
Me:  "Are you saying I am not all put together?  Are you saying I am not Superwoman and that it is all just an act?"

You:  "Yes"

Me:  {gasp}
Me:  {deep breath}
Me:  "I don't know how to drive a standard transmission vehicle........

.....I don't know how to hula hoop......
....or french braid.

I don't know how to make gravy......
....and I suck at volleyball. 

I suck so bad at volleyball that I would lose sleep in high school before gym class because I knew we had to play and I couldn't serve the ball over the net.
{ugly cry}

I don't know how to do the Star Trek fingers......
....and I don't know how to pronounce the name Siobhan...
and Saoirse.

I can remember song lyrics from 25 years ago, but cannot remember a person's name that I met 10 minutes ago.
I have never made a pie...
...or butter tarts...
...and don't think I will ever enjoy the taste of hot drinks.

I don't know how to sew...
...or knit...
...or crochet...
...or weave.

I don't know how to say no to chocolate...

...and my kids...
....and everyone else who needs me to do something.

I wish I knew how to erase wrinkles...
and gray hairs...
and dark circles...
and cellulite.

I don't know how to stop my dog from attacking corgis...
DSC_0162
and cats...
and vacuums...
and brooms.

And I definitely don't know how to put myself first...
because I never have.
And I guess that's why I pretend to be all put together and crap.

You:  "I quit.  Find yourself a new therapist!"
 
See more here.







14 comments:

Nancy Claeys said...

Is that Jersey? OMG -- he's gorgeous! But attacking things? Not good. Bad Jersey! Lol.

The Mommy Mambo said...

Wow. We have a lot in common. Or not in common since we both can neither drive a stick, sew, hula hoop, or make time for ourselves. Seriously my list is so similar...except I can make a mean pie, do the Star Trek thingy (though I loathe that show) and I can French braid like nobodies business but I have no little girls!(tear and sob) So I win, right? LOL!

Denise Bertacchi said...

I never figured out volley ball either...all I got from that sport was giant welts.

jen @ grown in southern ground said...

LOL I always see the name "Siobhan" in the Downton Abbey credits and I don't know how to pronounce it either!

http://growninsouthernground.wordpress.com/2013/03/21/writers-workshop/

B Nickerson said...

Nice list.
We just all acquire and not acquire different skill sets.

MTWaggin said...

You need the same therapist every woman in the world needs! Now, go sit, take a breath and close your eyes for a few moments.

Tammigirl said...

Eh. Saying no is overrated.

Gigi said...

We both don't know how to do a lot of the same things. Except I can serve a volleyball pretty well...but that's about it. For the rest of the game, I'm useless.

Karen and Gerard said...

That volleyball graphic is awesome! I was good at serving but not at just hitting it back.

Violets Are Blue said...

I hated valley all, whoever invented that was a sick person. Only guys like it so they can watch girls in bikinis bounce around. So a guy must have invented it! When you find a self help group for all the things you listed, sign me up. Maybe we can get a two for one deal. Jersey, he needs to accept you and hubs are boss and pack leader. Keep at it, consistency will hammer it home. So will his maturing and knowing you mean shit! Good luck. Patty/BC

Janice Trinh said...

Wow. So many I don't knows! Wasnt the prompt just 10? LOL

Anywho, that's cute lookin' dog and I'm sorry you can't serve over the net.

Also, I really like how you did this whole you and therapist creative thingy. Very...um...creative! And fun to read!

Annie said...

Hmmm....I think these are 10 things you should definitely stop feeling bad about! Stopping by via Mama Kat :)

Court Dan said...

Love it. My only advice is to just be good about the first one, I had to learn how to drive a standard in my thirties and it was brutal and traumatic. I wish I never had learned now, but to be honest the horrid job I do doing it shouldn't really count as having learned it.

Cyndy Newsome said...

I can't drive a stick shift either.
Also, I'm a pretty dang good cook but I suck at frying eggs. Ridiculous.
Siobhan= Sha-von. Yes, the B is pronounced like V.
Never even heard of that other name. lol