Yo.

Dude, I am still alive.

Fo realz.

I am alive as in breathing alive, not climbing up a mountain singing "hallelujah" alive, but whatever.

Basically, I am existing.

Don't say "aw" and "you poor thing", because, honestly, I think existing is friggin awesome right now.

I have recently come to terms with the fact that my life as a mother is changing.

My children have all entered into different phases of their lives and now Mommy has to catch up and just deal with it.

They don't need me as much.

They don't like me very much.

In fact, there are many times they hate me.

And instead of doing the ugly cry in the corner, I am learning (slowly) to just suck it up.

But fuck it is hard.

To all of you peeps who have infants and toddlers, enjoy every second, because when they get to their tween years it is a whole new game.

Its a shitty game where the rules change constantly and you have to find a way to stay ahead of your independent, stubborn, smart opponents (aka your children) before they kick your ass.

Shes not a tween yet, but acts like one

While dealing with this new change, I am also realizing that I have lost myself.

My life has been lived for my babies over the last 12 years and now (at times) they hate me and...well....that's hard for me because theyaremylife.

In my mind I am thinking......

"I have done everything for them and they don't even appreciate it?

Have I screwed up as a parent because they still hate me after all I do for them?

Is it hormones?

Am I a wimp?

I need to get a life."

But then I hug and kiss them and tell them I love them anyways and pray to God that they grow up healthy and happy because their parents adore them

Its a never ending battle in my head, which is probably why I'm a mental mess.

So where does that leave blogging?

I mean, its rare that I can take a photo of my kids without them covering their faces or running the other way.

I could write about all the reasons they hate me today or what caused the fist fight at 7am, but that might get boring......or not.....

I could write about all of the pretty crafts I make and house redecorating I do, but.....hahahahahahahaha......it doesn't happen.

I have irritable bowel syndrome that makes eating anything other than applesauce a huge pain in my ass....literally.

Stay tuned.

Maybe soon I will write about shit my big kids are doing.

Or Ike and Duke the horses and Jersey the dog.

Or poop soup, because that's one of my favourite topics.

What's new with you?

Old School Blogging

Confession.
I'm lacking blog-writing motivation, so when I saw this, I jumped right on it.
For all of you newbies, blogging used to be all light and fluffy. There wasn't much talk about deep, thought provoking, therapeutic nonsense like there is now.
That is probably why I am unable to put together a post lately. Because I have nothing deep to talk about.
I have a dog that eats his own poop, a tween who hates me a lot of the time and live in weather too cold to even step outside my house.
So, unless you want me to cry on your shoulder, its best I just stay quiet.......until now.

Here goes.....

What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Dexter. Actually, it is the only thing hubby and I have watched for the last few months and I know, for sure, that we will both need a very high dosage of happy pills when we are finished.

Lets talk about how awesome that show is.

When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
This morning to take out the recycling.
My boogers froze in 0.3 seconds. It is mid March and it is -20 something (Celsius).

Hold me.
I need warmth.

What is on the walls of the room you are in?
There are two sconces, a TV and a couple pictures.
Oh yeah, I cant forget the boogers. This kid likes to wipe her boogers on the walls.

One day I will think it is funny, right?

If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
Oh, man. The things I could do with the money.  I would probably buy a lakefront home and a new (non-minivan) vehicle.   Travel.   Buy a lifetime supply of animal crackers and Blistex.
I'm a simple person.
I don't need much.

Tell me something about you that most people don’t know.
I think I can finish word search puzzles faster than anyone else in the Universe. Its a special, unique talent of mine, and one day, maybe there will be a contest. It would be awesome if the prize was a few million dollars so I could buy the stuff above.

Who made the last incoming call on your phone? My Mama

If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do?
I would have our basement finished.
Then I would hire a landscaper to design beautiful gardens around the property.
Then I would have a pool installed.
And have someone  finish the window coverings throughout the house.
Another reason I need $$$$$$$$

What was the last thing you bought?
Groceries. Because my children are bottomless pits.................

Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
I vomited a bit in my mouth just thinking about both of them. I cant even handle the merry go round and swing rides at theme parks.

(Thanks Google Images)

If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be?
This is a tough one. I would like to talk to my boyfriend, John Mayer and ask him why he is such a douchebag to all of those pretty gals. I would like to talk to the Dexter guy and convince him to bring the show back to TV. I would also like to talk to the Breaking Bad dude to tell him I miss him.
I'm such a dork.

Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
 Gap. It would be even better if I was a size or two smaller..........

Is the glass half empty or half full?
Sadly, I admit I am a glass half empty kinda gal. This needs to change. Or I need to up my happy pills.

What’s the farthest-away place you’ve been?
Geesh....I'm awful at geography. I am in Ontario, Canada.
I have been to Jamaica, Cuba, Las Vegas, British Columbia. Which place is the farthest?
"Farthest" is a weird word, isn't it? Say it a few times..........

What’s under your bed?
Dust and dog hair.
Don't judge.

What is your favorite time of the day?
The moment the kids get on the school bus and I get to eat my breakfast in peace.

What Inspires You?
This is a deep question which means I am unable to answer it at this time. Come back to me when I am inspired to write about it.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Peace out.
Word to your Motha.

Miss me, miss me, now you gotta kiss me.

That's right, peeps.
I am back to the blogosphere after a temporary hiatus.
Lets make out.

I don't really know how to explain my vacation except, well, I just lost interest.
And life got in the way.
And I just didn't feel the need to talk about myself anymore, because I am slightly boring and have no life.
True story.

But, after getting countless emails from my loyal peeps wondering if I died on my trip to Florida or if Jersey the dog ate my computer, I am here to tell you I am still alive.

And, as of this very second, I am feeling the urge to get back on here.
You can all rejoice.
And sing Hallelujah.

hugsandsmooches

Oh, hi. Remember Me????

Where do I start?
Ummm.....
....the last three weeks have been busy.

So busy, that I am actually looking forward to life slowing down.
To sitting....
...inhaling.....
...pausing.

What have I been up to?
Well.......

planning and hosting {with my Mommy} a baby shower for my sister in law.
Lessons learned...
it's alot of friggin work
and stress.
Pinterest is my best friend.


a girls-only weekend that took me out of my comfort zone and into moments I haven't experienced in years. 
It was nothing wild and crazy, but I was with girlfriends I have known for almost 30 years.
Girlfriends I drifted away from as we grew and discovered ourselves, and then recently reconnected with.
It felt weird.
And, oh so right.


a trip to Alberta.
Banff/Lake Louise/Calgary to be more specific.
Now added to my Bucket List........
visit every province in my beautiful country.
Holy balls, it was beautiful.


taking care of a dog.
A dog who licked his butt hole until it looked like hamburger meat.
A dog with an ear infection.
A dog who has a food allergy, and now has to eat Veterinarian-prescribed food at $127 a bag.


watching my children play soccer, lacrosse, gymnastics and love every second of swimming lessons.
Life is good.
So good that I want it to slow down so my babies stay young forever.




Bring on summer.

I'm awesome.

I am back.
I took a little blog hiatus, and, have to admit I survived without it.
Mentally, it was good for me.
I mean, really.  This thing is a hobby and I shouldn't feel pressure to write when I'm not in the mood.

And I wasn't in the mood.
And I was busy.

So there.

My returning gift to you is telling you why I am awesome.
You're welcome.

I am awesome because......

*I am able to blog, converse with my 9 year old and watch Dateline at the same time.  Doing it right now, folks.  Like a boss.

*I successfully hide food from my children and have the uncanny ability to eat it right in front of them without them catching on.

*I wipe girl-child's face with my own spit on my hand.  Don't say gross.  You have done it too.

*I know everything about every celebrity because I have an addiction to gossip magazines that are quickly putting us into debt.  Don't judge.  At least I admit my issues.

Not like Amanda Bynes.
Wowsers. 

*I try my hardest not to NOT sweat the small stuff.  Life is short.  Life sucks sometimes.  Life is a privilege.  Before we know it we will all be pushing up daisies, so lets just try to get through this short time on earth happy.

*My kids are never late for appointments, school, sports and other random happenings.  They might show up with snotty noses and messy clothes, but they aren't late!

*I birthed three children.
Nuff said.

*I remember all the lyrics of random 1980's songs



*Im not afraid to sing opera with my windows down while sitting at a red light.
My kids love it.

*I burp like no one else.
It's one of my {many} talents.

*Level 242 on Candy Crush.
I am there.
You're jealous, right?

*I rub cream on my dog's butthole using a Ziploc bag as my glove because he licks it until it is raw.

*I know all of the lines in Dirty Dancing

*and Pretty Woman

*I say Thank You  4386486 times a day, even when it isn't necessary   Wanna hang out?  

 

Crap I dont know how to do......

Believe it or not, there are many things that I don't know how to do.
I can admit it.
No one is perfect.
Even though I pretend I am totally "put together", I really am a messed up puzzle.

Whatever.

Lets pretend you're my therapist.
Except I am not paying you big bucks.
Lets pretend I am laying on your leather sofa, while you sit in your fancy shmancy chair with your pretty pen and notebook.

You: "OK, Vikki.  You're great at pretending that you are Superwoman and can do anything and everything.  You seem like you are all put together, but is there anything that you cannot do?"

Me: {ugly cry}
Me: {wiping boogers}
Me: {wiping tears}
Me:  "Are you saying I am not all put together?  Are you saying I am not Superwoman and that it is all just an act?"

You:  "Yes"

Me:  {gasp}
Me:  {deep breath}
Me:  "I don't know how to drive a standard transmission vehicle........

.....I don't know how to hula hoop......
....or french braid.

I don't know how to make gravy......
....and I suck at volleyball. 

I suck so bad at volleyball that I would lose sleep in high school before gym class because I knew we had to play and I couldn't serve the ball over the net.
{ugly cry}

I don't know how to do the Star Trek fingers......
....and I don't know how to pronounce the name Siobhan... and Saoirse.

I can remember song lyrics from 25 years ago, but cannot remember a person's name that I met 10 minutes ago.
I have never made a pie...
...or butter tarts...
...and don't think I will ever enjoy the taste of hot drinks.

I don't know how to sew...
...or knit...
...or crochet...
...or weave.

I don't know how to say no to chocolate...

...and my kids...
....and everyone else who needs me to do something.

I wish I knew how to erase wrinkles...
and gray hairs...
and dark circles...
and cellulite.

I don't know how to stop my dog from attacking corgis...

and cats...
and vacuums...
and brooms.

And I definitely don't know how to put myself first...
because I never have.
And I guess that's why I pretend to be all put together and crap.

You:  "I quit.  Find yourself a new therapist!"  

See more here.

Orthotics and corgis

I am still breathing....barely.
It has been one doozy of a week and I will spare you all of the gory details.
Lets just say it involved sick kids, sick husbands and a dog almost eating a corgi.
God help me.

 

Anyways.............one good thing happened.
One that is going to change my life.
Maybe it will help me overcome the trauma of watching my dog almost eat a corgi.
Or maybe not.
But it's worth a try.

I am the new owner of orthotics.
At the age of 37.
I think someone is trying to inform me that life isn't all rainbows and unicorns.  When I start working on myself mentally and physically, everything goes to Hell.
I started running again.
And after two attempts at 5k, I couldn't walk.

I rested my foot for a week.
It got worse.
So I googled it and realized I might need my foot amputated.

Note to self.  Never, ever google health issues before seeing someone who knows your situation.
Anyways, I immediately made an appointment with a chiropodist and waited in the waiting room with 70+ year olds who had ingrown toenails and foot fungus.
Fun times.

What I found out.
A bone was dislocated.
And I have severely high arches which are causing me knee, hip and back pain.
The thumping of my non-skinny body pushed my arches down, squishing my foot and dislocating a bone.

Treatment.
Custom orthotics.

I am officially an 80 year old woman who wears orthotics and sees a chiropodist.

But I don't care because she has changed my life.

Now, if only she could train my dog not to eat corgis.........

 

10 Reasons You Should be Glad I Didnt Blog in my Twenties

1.  I would have bitched about college nonsense.  The girls downstairs using too much hairspray.  The girls downstairs leaving the bathroom in a disgusting mess.  The prof who took a mark off because I spelled one word wrong.  The liquor store was sold out of my favourite cooler.

Totally world-ending stuff, right?

2.  I would have complained about parents not knowing what they are doing...before I was a parent and realized that I don't have an effing clue what I am doing!!!!
I would never let my kids play with toy guns.  Or video games.  Or Princess toys.
They would only be allowed to watch TV for 30 minutes a day.
Never would they eat crap like Pop Tarts and hot dogs on a stick.
I would totally be the best parent ever.

*cough*

3.  Titanic is the BEST MOVIE EVER MADE! {its what I thought at the time}

I would probably tell you about seeing it in the theatres 5+ times.
Which I did.
Because I'm a dork.

4.  My wedding.  Oh God.  It gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about all of the money we spent, the stress it caused...for one perfect day.

5. I would have whined about being fat.  When, really, I was a skinny bitch.

6.  There would have been more photos like this.

Lets all take a moment and say "WTFwereyouthinkingwearingglasseslikethat????"

*snort*

 

7.  Pregnancy. You would have heard about constipation, muscle spasms, discharge, insomnia and all of the other reasons I hated being pregnant.

 

8.  Labour and Delivery.  You would have heard all about mucous plugs, the doctor with the huge sausage fingers, the nurse who scorned me for cursing during contractions and my husband who had a spray bottle to keep himself from passing out.

 

Fun times.

 

9.  Poutine.  I discovered it in the college cafeteria and ate it every single day for lunch.  I would have wrote about it every day because I was so madly in love with it.

 

Still am.

 

10. Totally would have vlogged myself rocking out to this song.

Maybe the entire album because I love it so much.

I am even considering vlogging myself headbanging to it next week, just to prove that I can still rock it like a 20 year old.

Or not.

Is headbanging a cool thing to do now?

Gawd, Im old.

 

This was fun.

I have so many more.

I am sure MamaKat was cool in her 20s.

5 things about me....and la familia

True story.
I have just sat here for 10 minutes trying to think of something to share with you that you don't already know.

True story.
You guys know too much about me.

1.  Jersey the dog has started obedience training.  I am pretty sure that taking him into the pet store where his class happens is the closest I will ever get to Hell.  People, he is bad.  The barking, the jumping, the tryingtoattacksmalldogs.  Hell on Earth.

I am convinced he will fail.

{This is Jersey.  Laying in the shower.  Whatever.}

 

2.  Tomorrow is Rowdy's birthday.  He will be 9.  I am not OK with my children growing up.  I am not OK with my 9 year old boy having bigger feet and hands than me.  I am not OK with him almost being as tall as me.  I am not OK with the amount of $$$ we spend on groceries and he isn't even a teenager yet.

 

Group hug.

3.  I love peanut butter and Cheez Whiz sandwiches.  There.  I said it.

 

4.  I am back seeing my therapist and I think I almost scared her away with my mental instability.

Apparently I am a mess.

Apparently missing my daddy has taken a toll on me.

Apparently I need reflexology.

And massages.

And yoga.

To release the pain and help with my mental healing.

Mumbo jumbo if you ask me, but I will do it if it makes me feel a tad more sane. 

 

True story.
I went to reflexology and the nice lady knew I was a mess just from touching my feet.

5. Princess started gymnastics.  She is determined to learn how to do a cartwheel but her flexibility is...ummm.... just like her dad.

That's it. 

That's all I have for now.

 

Ciao.

 

 I bet Mama Kat isn't messed up.

Talking about myself. Its fun.

I was tagged by my southern BFF Elaine, to answer very personal questions about myself. I hmmmmed and haaa-ed about whether I should share such personal details about moi on this blog, but then I remembered I talk about poop soup.  

So, here goes.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Nope. I am special, so I was given a unique name with an even more unique way of spelling it.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Today. I went to see my therapist and I swear, as soon as I walk through those doors, I do the ugly cry for the entire session.

I have issues.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes. It is a mixture of cursive and printing. A little bit bubbly but not so over the top bubbly that I dot my "i"s with a little heart.

That drives me bonkers.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Oven roasted turkey
Black forest ham
Macaroni and cheese loaf {yes, really}
Montreal Smoked Meat

I could go on........

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Kids or brats?
I have three.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Totally. And we would discuss poop soup and other gross bodily functions.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
You would have to ask those around me.....

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes! And I am very attached to them.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
If I was drunk......


10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Fruit Loops
Lucky Charms
Cheerios with peaches or bananas on top


11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Never.  I untie them when I have to put them back on and then curse at myself for not undoing them when I took them off in the first place.

Its a vicious cycle.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Aren't all women who birth babies and then live every moment for them after that???
Although, I do see a therapist and constantly do the ugly cry while with her, so, maybe not.......

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Heavenly hash. Partly because I just love saying heavenly and hash together.....

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Teeth
15. RED OR PINK?
Pink. It just makes me happy.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Oh God, where do I start?
Did I mention I see a therapist?
HAHAHAHAHAHA

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My Daddy....so much it hurts my heart.

18. WHAT IS THE TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?
Finding the motivation to get off of my ass.

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
They are a really comfy style called barefoot

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Ham, broccoli, potatoes and turnip. And it was frickin good.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
American Idol.
Dear American Idol Peeps.
I think it is time to lay this show to rest.
Love Me.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Green or orange because I like them.

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
New babies. I often ask people if I can come over to hold and smell their baby?
Weird?

24. HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS TO YOU?
Sadly, I don't get too involved.
I much prefer sharing my opinions about the Kardashians.

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
How about a mountain hideaway near a beach? Or a beach house near the mountains? How about alot of money so I can have both?

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Anything my kids play, which isn't very much because they have some weird fear about joining recreational activities, so lets just say hockey.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Brown with a mixture of caramel, red and gray.

Hmph.

28. EYE COLOR?
Brown

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No. I would totally barf putting them in.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Chocolate.
Chocolate.
And more chocolate.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
I will hate the movie if there isn't a happy ending.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Ted.
It sucked.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Purple pj top.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
SUMMER!!! It has been -30 degrees Celsius here and I am ready to pack my bags and move to the Caribbean!!!

35. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Anything but pie or other mushy fruit stuff.

*gag

36. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
I hate cardio but I like burning tons of calories.
I hate strength training but I like getting toned.

Its an endless battle with my brain.

37. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
Candy Crush on my iPad please and thank you.

38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Fifty Shades Freed.
I have been reading it since July and have about 10 pages to go.

Note to self. Read more.

39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
No pads for me.

40. FAVORITE SOUND?
My children getting along and having a conversation without yelling and cursing at each other

41. FAVORITE GENRE OF MUSIC?
Anything the cool kids listen to.
My favourite song right now is this beauty.....


42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
British Columbia
Cuba
Jamaica
Vegas
Florida

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I'm double jointed in all of my joints.

True story.

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Toronto, Ontario Canada

45. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
30 minutes north of Toronto

46. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
Oh crap, I don't know.
Tan/brown

47. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
I drive a silver minivan. Dont laugh.

48. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 48 QUESTIONS?
It was a blast except we didn't talk about poop or toots.



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