September 14, 2011

Momma aka The Infant Knowledge Expert *cough*

I am a mother. To three children.
I have conquered the land of Infantdom. The land of no sleep and alot of crying.
I have conquered the unknown world of Toddlerhood. It was a rough place but we all barely got out alive.

I am currently making my way through the huge city of SchoolAgedville and it could just prove to be the toughest place yet. I compare it to a dangerous crime-ridden city, where there is alot of attitude, bad words and violence. So far, I am making it through but we still have a long way to go.

Please pray for me.

As I have made my way through these deep, dark unknown destinations, I have learned alot. So I wanted to share my findings with you newbies close to buckling in and going for the drive yourselves.

First of all, I am praying for you.

Lets start with the Land Of Infantdom.

After coming home from the hospital, you may feel euphoric. You have just pushed a human being out of your vajayjay so you should be very proud of yourself. It was a huge accomplishment. Your milk likely hasn't come in yet so get one last look at "The Twins" before they become painful and engorged. They will never again look large and perky. Kiss those days goodbye girlfriend. Before long they will look like deflated balloons.

Secondly, you are probably very tired. Exhausted is a better word actually. Well, get used to it because you will not sleep again for the next 18 years. Sorry to rain on your "Yay is Me Parade" but a full nights sleep will not exist until your children are grown and out of the house. But by that time you will be middle aged and not sleeping due to hot flashes and bowel issues, so, well...........yeah, deal with it.

Thirdly, everything you ingest, your new baby will ingest. If you drink coffee or soda, be prepared for an over-stimulated (also known as "wired") baby. If you drink milk, be prepared for many poop soup explosions (out of your baby, not you). If you like spicy food, GOOD LUCK with that. Let me know how it goes. So for the length of time you breastfeed, you will have to eat crackers, drink water and just look at tacos and burritos.

The life of a new mom is wonderful isn't it?

It is OK to cry. Hormones are raging throughout your body and your body is going haywire. Yell at your husband. It is OK. He will understand.

Your baby will cry alot.
Usually during the night when everyone else is sleeping. Do what I did and cry too. Or eat chocolate. Alot of chocolate. But just remember your baby will get chocolate through your milk and you know what chocolate does right? It keeps you awake. Uh huh. It is a cruel, vicious cycle.

Remember the days of putting your shoes on and going out to the mall just for the heck of it? Those days are over. You will now need to get up before the sun rises to shower, eat breakfast, get dressed, get baby fed and dressed, pack a diaper bag, get baby in the car seat. Oops....poop soup explosion alert. Baby has just dirtied his/her clothes and your clothes. Now you have to start all over.

Last but not least, bring baby into your bed, cry, eat chocolate and enjoy every possible second that he/she is this tiny, because it does not last long.....

You are welcome.

*This post was originally written 2.5 years ago and I never did give my Toddlerhood advice.  Stay tuned.*
MamaKat probably didnt need any parenting advice


Gigi said...

So very, very true! Every single word.

And it DOES go by fast. Far too fast!

Dumb Mom said...

Babies are easy compared to 2 year olds. There needs to be a post about that. How to Survive Toddlerdom if Infanthood Didn't Kill You. I will work on writing that now!

mssharealot said...

And once they enter school-age-ville, there needs to be a post about "How to Resist Slapping the Eye Rolling Out of your Child", maybe I can write that next. It will involve chocolate!

grace said...

HAHA!!! Depressing, but there's definitely truth to this.


The Woven Moments said...


And thank god for chocolate!

Cam - Bibs and Baubles said...

very true and very funny! Love the pictures!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE this! So cute!

Stopping by from Mama Kat's! :)

Kat said...

Hilarious! And so true! But the truest part is to just pull them into bed and cuddle them! It goes by too fast! Ah, if you have to cry just cry. If only we could go back and take our own advice!

Jenners said...

This would be hilariously funny … if it wasn't horribly true!

Jenny @ flutterbyechronicles said...

I love your pictures ;) Agree with every word.

Jenny @ flutterbyechronicles said...

I love your pictures ;) Agree with every word.

Heatherlyn said...

Oh and you have not even been through the scariest land yet: middleschool-land. It is something out of a horror show. Seriously. In theory, you can again sleep at night but you won't because you will be up all night worrying about the CRAP that your child has to wade through which is their peers, and the media, and politics, and every other stress in life that could possibly be heaped upon their shoulders--oh, and they develop a nice emotional distance from their parents the likes of such a parent has never thought possible. And ask for lots of your money. And for you to drive them everywhere so that they can have such a social life. It is MUCH worse that young elementary school aged children. You have until 5th grade before you get there so ENJOY!