March 12, 2012

Numb

I am not an emotional person.
Or maybe I am, but clench my fists and fight the emotion until it gets the best of me.
I don't know.
I am still trying to figure myself out.
I am complicated.

Just ask my husband.

I am feeling the need to share but holding back because as much as I love my blog life, I don't share everything on here.
I am going through some stuff right now.
Some serious, emotional stuff that has slowly taken over my entire being.
My thoughts.
My movements.
My everyday life.

I am not as tough as I act.
And I feel like I am drowning.
Like I am holding my breath.....unable to exhale.
And I just don't know how to deal with it all.

How to hold it all together when all I want to do is crawl under the covers and not come out.
I want to drink until I don't feel anything.
I want to sleep for days and days.
I want to run away from this difficult, terrible moment.

But, instead I sit.
Numb.
Waiting to exhale.

9 comments:

Emily Hope said...

Xo

Foursons said...

I don't share everything on my blog either, but it sounds like you need to share with SOMEONE. If things are that bad find some help sweetie. Counseling can work miracles. ((Hugs))

Stephanie said...

Praying...

Elaine A. said...

We are here for you if you need us. I hope you can talk to someone if need be... thinking of you...

Gigi said...

Oh sweetie - I know. Believe me, I know. Keeping you in my thoughts and sending lots and lots of hugs.

Jenners said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sending you good thoughts and hugs. Be well.

Queen said...

Oh honey... I don't post everything either! None of us do and in fact, if you look at my posts from Febuary past, you'd never know that it was one of the most difficult and trying times in my entire life!

It's tough out there... for all of us... mom, daughter, woman, friend... we face our challenges and come up against our beliefs every single day.

Sending you thoughts... know you've a community of friends behind you... and if you want to talk, I think I've seen and heard it all.

Deep breath my friend... deep breath...

The Lovely One said...

I post pretty much my every life secret.... which isn't much. But if you need an anonymous stranger to talk to, my email is always on!

Heatherlyn said...

I hate terrible moments. They are peppered with beautiful moments. But at times the terrible still seems to preside. It passes. Everything passes. But I hate being in it. Sometimes it would be nice if we could just spill all our guts on blogs. But then, that just does not seem very practical. I deal with crap sometimes. It isn't my doing or my fault. But sometimes, life can hand us some pretty crappy stuff. I try to focus on other things to get me through. And I remember that we have hot running water and lots of nice soaps and good-smelling stuff, and that makes me feel a bit better, because I would feel REALLY crummy without that stuff. :) And if I still feel totally crappy I am not ashamed to say LEXAPRO. Seriously. Life is too short to feel unbalancedly miserable for too long a duration.