Happy Life, Happy Momma

First of all, let me give all of you a huge cyber hug and fist bump.  Your many comments and well wishes after my last blog post touched my hurt, scarred, fragile heart.

Secondly, let me say that I am good.  Despite the fact that my entire world is completely different than it was 2 years ago, I am totally OK with it.  Like more than OK.  

Watching my daddy slowly decline in health and then losing him almost 4 years ago (at a young age) changed me.  

Losing a parent does that to you. 

It messes you up.  

It teaches you things.  

It makes you realize that life is too fucking short to live unhappily.

I curse alot.  Prepare yourselves.

Have you ever just sat back and thought about how short this life really is?  Like really.  The smell of my high school hallways is still in my brain.  I still know all of the words to songs I sang in the 80's. I feel like college graduation was recently.  But, in less than 10 years I will be 50 years old.

WTF??!!!!!!!!

Have you ever sat back and thought about your life?  Is it fun?  Is it exciting?  Are you happy?  Do you do things that make you smile?  Do you feel like you have accomplished much?  Do you love? Are you loved?  Are you truly yourself or pretending to be someone else to make others happy?

Because, before you know it, this life will be over and it would suck balls if you have regrets and feel you wasted it, don't you think?

Losing my dad opened my eyes to alot, but, mostly that I was not living the life I wanted.  I was not the person I wanted to be.  I was not loved the way I wanted to be loved.  I was not loving the way I wanted to love.  I was not having fun.  

When others would ask what made me happy, I couldn't answer them, because I had no idea.

Sad, isn't it?

But now.........

Pedicures

Getting my eyebrows done

Cranking my tunes on the way to work

Long conversations with people who truly care for me

Dancing

Drinking wine in a fancy glass

Staying in my PJ's all day while eating cookies and Kool Aid.

Spending 2 hours sweating at the gym

Drinking out of the full pitcher from the fridge

Long hikes in new places with people I care for

Positive comments at work

Owning a non-shedding dog

I can write you a book about what makes me happy.

Who wants to go on a vacation to celebrate this short but enjoyable life??!!!!!!!!!

  

That moment when I had a moment

Oh, Hi.
Remember me?  I'm the gal who started this ol' blog with the intent of documenting the moments in my family's lives, venting about those memorable moments and, well, crap..........life has just gotten in the way.

Is blogging a dying breed?
Are people just using facebook/instagram/twitter now?  Fill me in so I can keep up with the cool peeps.

Today as I sat here on the computer registering my kids for summer camp, something led me back here.  Maybe that means I am not ready to close this thing down.  Maybe I still have stuff to say.

Deep thoughts.......
Random thoughts.....

Who knows?

First lets talk about me.
HA
God, I am funny.

I have a freckle/mole thing on my body that I had to get checked out.
P.S.  Whenever I say "mole" I think of this scene.

On the way to see my doc I had a moment.
A moment that made me think about how things can change in a second.
I mean, if this "moley moley moley" turns out to be something not so great, my life will change instantly.  If it's nothing, that's frickin awesome, but I need to smarten my ass up. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff all of the time.

I mean, holy crap.  I am 39 years old.  My children are healthy, happy and thriving.  They are growing more independent by the day and before I know it, they will be packing their bags and heading out into the real world.

I need to snap out of my "holyshitmykidsarelazy" mood and breathe in this time.

That was my moment.

And then I came home and Febreze-d their stinky shoes without cursing once.

Reflection

Lately......

My reflection shows a face full of stress....
....worry....
...depression...
...irritable bowel syndrome...whatever the eff that is.......
...unknown wants....
...and needs.

My reflection shows alot of zits....
....random hairs that are showing up where they shouldn't....
....and wrinkles that show up more when I wear makeup to hide my zits.

My reflection needs to change.
I'm working on it.

Be back {very} soon.
hugsandsmooches

Hello from Heaven

Confession.
I have been struggling.
Struggling to remember my Daddy while moving on without him.
It sucks balls.

I remember three summers ago while out on the lake for a boat ride, just after my Uncle passed away.
My dad was upset that his brother was going to miss out on fun times like that.
He was going to miss spending time with his family.
He was missing out on life.

Three years later, while out on the lake for a boat ride with my Dad's family....us.....I think the same thing.
My Daddy is missing out on this.









But then when I look around, I see a butterfly fluttering around the boat....in the middle of the lake.
Every single time we venture out onto the water.
My Daddy is there with us.
Not missing out.


Do you believe that butterflies are signs from those who have passed on?
Do you believe they symbolize re birth?

*sniff*

My children are growing up and there is not a friggin thing I can do to stop it.
Someone give me the magic potion.
Someone fill me in on how to stop time, because if I could, I would.

My baby girl graduated from preschool.

My third and last baby exited the doors of the small preschool for the last time.
And so did I.

I was sure that it was going to be a very emotional morning.
I actually prepared myself for the ugly cry.

My last baby walked on up to the front of the class+parents+grandparents to receive her diploma.
And as I clicked my camera, my eyes remained dry.
My frown turned upside down.

Because I was experiencing this moment....again.
I was proud.
Happy.

I breathed in this morning.
Every second of it.
And I stored it away in my brain beside Messy's graduation and Rowdy's graduation.

Because, as my children grow, I am learning that time goes by faster and faster.
And no matter how hard I try to slow it down, it actually speeds up.

Before I blink, they will be graduating from grade 8....high school....university...
And I will breathe in each momentand store it awaywith the many other moments I experience during this parenting journey. Being a Momma is so wonderfuldifficultemotional Group hug please.I need to do the ugly cry now.

Signs from Heaven

Remember when I mentioned that I asked my Daddy to give me a sign that he was with me on my birthday?
Remember when I told you that I saw more blue jays than ever before so I knew he was "with me"?
Well, I totally forgot about this, until my Mom reminded me..

As the entire family gathered to celebrate Mothers Day outdoors at my Grandma's home, there was a bright yellow bird right above us in the apple tree.

It was very...
...very...
...very...
loud.
With an unusual sound. A loud, high pitched song of some sort was a constant, right above our heads.

My dad was wanting to be a part of the celebration and he let us know all about it.

Thank you Daddy.
Thank you Mom{my} for reminding me of this.Thank you little brother for getting pictures of it.

Do you constantly look for signs your loved ones in Heaven are close by?Is it weird of me to do this?Is this a sign that I am losing my marbles?
What kind of bird is this?

Hosted by Cecily and Lolli

Discussing Grief. Again.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

These are the five stages of grief. If I was brilliant and had some education and research in my past, I would list them as.

Hell
Hell
Hell
Hell
Hell

I have never been to Hell and, to be honest, have always pictured it as a dark, dungeon-like place with sad faces and very unhappy souls.

Like my life right now.
I miss my Daddy so much it physically hurts.
I want to vomit all of the time.
I want to wake up from this horrible dream.
I want to escape this Hell on Earth because that is what it is without my Daddy here.

He was a private person and did not want his "troubles" to be talked about which I respected.
But now that he is gone, I find writing about it therapeutic.
And I am sure he would respect that too.

Why did this happen? Why did a man who still had so much life to live, places to go and people to hug leave this Earth so young?
I am struggling with this.
People tell me to appreciate and cherish the time we had with him.
People tell me to hold the memories tight and continue to talk about him so he is never forgotten.
People tell me it takes time. That the hurt will lessen and the pain will be less sharp.

But as my family celebrated Mothers Day and my birthday yesterday with a hike up to the family maple bush, I couldn't help but wish my Dad was walking with us.
I wanted him there with us as we strolled through the forest full of trillium's.

As we rode ATVs past the place where he always talked about putting his trailer/camper.
Because it was quiet.
Peaceful.
Surrounded by beauty.

I will tell you a secret.
Promise not to tell anyone?
When I woke up on the day I turned 37, I asked my Daddy to give me a sign that he was there with me.
I saw more blue jays yesterday than ever before.

He was there.

Don't mind me

Don't mind me.
I am just a gal going through the toughest time of her life.
I am just a gal not sure how to face every day ahead of her without her Daddy.
I am just a gal trying to digest what has happened over the last week....the last year of her life.


How do I just go on with my life after worrying every moment since 2010 about my Daddy?
How do I just move on when my Daddy was still so young and had so much life ahead of him?
How do I just live when he cant?


I am breathing.  That is the first step, right?
I am comforted knowing that my Daddy is no longer in pain.
I am comforted by the amount of support our family has during this difficult time.
I am remembering our wonderful memorial service that honoured a wonderful man.
{Psalm 23}
That's all I can do right now.
Tomorrow?
Who knows.
Maybe I will shave my legs.
That will be a huge accomplishment.

{all of these beauties were displayed at Dad's memorial.  I like flowers}
{you can click on the photos to see the writing better. I am too tired to change it}

Numb

I am not an emotional person.

Or maybe I am, but clench my fists and fight the emotion until it gets the best of me.

I don't know.

I am still trying to figure myself out.

I am complicated.

Just ask my husband.

I am feeling the need to share but holding back because as much as I love my blog life, I don't share everything on here.

I am going through some stuff right now.

Some serious, emotional stuff that has slowly taken over my entire being.

My thoughts.

My movements.

My everyday life.

I am not as tough as I act.

And I feel like I am drowning.

Like I am holding my breath.....unable to exhale.

And I just don't know how to deal with it all.

How to hold it all together when all I want to do is crawl under the covers and not come out.

I want to drink until I don't feel anything.

I want to sleep for days and days.

I want to run away from this difficult, terrible moment.

But, instead I sit.

Numb.

Waiting to exhale.

Deep Stuff Gives Me the Heebie Jeebies, but I am going there........

Sometimes I wonder how much I should share of my life.
Sometimes I wonder if people will think differently of me or judge me after reading what I write.
But, I also remember why I started this blog in the first place.
I started it as my therapy.
My therapy.
If people are going to judge me or think differently because I am not perfect, then they don't belong in my life at all.
And shouldn't read my blog.

So I will share.
And you can accept me the way I am, or continue your search for someone who is perfect.
Good luck with that.

I see a counsellor.
Yes, I admit it, I am weak.
I am not the perfect soul that I wish I was.
I have my flaws. 
*gasp*

In my 36 years of life, I have experienced the greatest of sorrows and the greatest of joys.
During the last few years, I have come to realize that I am not unbreakable.  I have come to realize that finding coping skills does not always erase the damage.
Eating chocolate makes me feel better....until my jeans don't fit.
Drinking pop is yummy...until you get cavities.  And your jeans don't fit.

You just get to a point when you realize that your coping skills aren't working.

While talking to my counsellor, I have had a few "aha moments".
....I only think of making others happy, not making myself happy.
....I have lost who I am because I have been too busy taking care of others
....I have no flippin clue what makes me happy.  Just me.

Have you ever really thought about that?

What truly makes you happy? When you stop thinking about your children/husband/job, what do you do/want that truly makes your life enjoyable???????

Women give and give and give.....and give........until they forget who they are.
Or maybe it is just me.
And I don't know how to find a balance.
Am I the only one???
Please tell me I am not or I might end up moving in with my counsellor.

Random

If you asked me 20 years ago where I wanted to be at the age of 36, I never would have answered living on a farm.
But that is where I am.
With horses, bunnies, dirty children, a smelly dog and now two cats.

Give me strength to accept all that I have been given and adjust to the life I never expected.

I expected to be living in a town, on a small lot with neighbours close by. Not in the country with a garden the size of a small lot.

I never expected to own horses. And horse bling bling. And horse buggies.

I expected to walk my small dog through my neighbourhood full of houses on busy streets. Not have horses pull my family up and down the country road we live on.


Never, ever, in my wildest imagination would I have pictured the life I am now living.  Give me strength to adjust to the constant change in my life while allowing myself the chance to breathe and appreciate it all.

Amen.