These are the five stages of grief. If I was brilliant and had some education and research in my past, I would list them as.
I have never been to Hell and, to be honest, have always pictured it as a dark, dungeon-like place with sad faces and very unhappy souls.
Like my life right now.
I miss my Daddy so much it physically hurts.
I want to vomit all of the time.
I want to wake up from this horrible dream.
I want to escape this Hell on Earth because that is what it is without my Daddy here.
He was a private person and did not want his "troubles" to be talked about which I respected.
But now that he is gone, I find writing about it therapeutic.
And I am sure he would respect that too.
Why did this happen? Why did a man who still had so much life to live, places to go and people to hug leave this Earth so young?
I am struggling with this.
People tell me to appreciate and cherish the time we had with him.
People tell me to hold the memories tight and continue to talk about him so he is never forgotten.
People tell me it takes time. That the hurt will lessen and the pain will be less sharp.
But as my family celebrated Mothers Day and my birthday yesterday with a hike up to the family maple bush, I couldn't help but wish my Dad was walking with us.
I wanted him there with us as we strolled through the forest full of trillium's.
As we rode ATVs past the place where he always talked about putting his trailer/camper.
Because it was quiet.
Surrounded by beauty.
I will tell you a secret.
Promise not to tell anyone?
When I woke up on the day I turned 37, I asked my Daddy to give me a sign that he was there with me.
I saw more blue jays yesterday than ever before.
He was there.