May 14, 2012

Discussing Grief. Again.


These are the five stages of grief. If I was brilliant and had some education and research in my past, I would list them as.


I have never been to Hell and, to be honest, have always pictured it as a dark, dungeon-like place with sad faces and very unhappy souls.

Like my life right now.
I miss my Daddy so much it physically hurts.
I want to vomit all of the time.
I want to wake up from this horrible dream.
I want to escape this Hell on Earth because that is what it is without my Daddy here.

He was a private person and did not want his "troubles" to be talked about which I respected.
But now that he is gone, I find writing about it therapeutic.
And I am sure he would respect that too.

Why did this happen? Why did a man who still had so much life to live, places to go and people to hug leave this Earth so young?
I am struggling with this.
People tell me to appreciate and cherish the time we had with him.
People tell me to hold the memories tight and continue to talk about him so he is never forgotten.
People tell me it takes time. That the hurt will lessen and the pain will be less sharp.

But as my family celebrated Mothers Day and my birthday yesterday with a hike up to the family maple bush, I couldn't help but wish my Dad was walking with us.
I wanted him there with us as we strolled through the forest full of trillium's.
As we rode ATVs past the place where he always talked about putting his trailer/camper.
Because it was quiet.
Surrounded by beauty.

I will tell you a secret.
Promise not to tell anyone?
When I woke up on the day I turned 37, I asked my Daddy to give me a sign that he was there with me.
I saw more blue jays yesterday than ever before.

He was there.

Sweet Shot Tuesday with Kent Weakley


Karen said...

That was beautiful Vik. Brought tears to my eyes. Your Dad would be proud...

Foursons said...

You're right- it is hell. Every single stage is pure hell. And you know what? I fully believe those blue jays were your daddy.

You know what my favorite thing is? When my dad is in my dreams. It is so wonderful and REAL when I'm sleeping. Horrid when I wake up, but totally worth it for those few moments in my dreams. He is always healthy, happy, and young in my dreams.

I wish I could help you through the pain in person. ((Hugs))

Gigi said...

He was there, I know it. Hugs.

Jennifer said...

He was there. For real.

And those people that tell you it gets better or easier or effing liars. My dad has been gone ten years and it is not easier. That sharp sense of hopelessness and despair doesn't come around as often, but when it does it is just as fresh and as painful as the day he died. Can you survive it? Yes, even if you don't want to, but it never gets easier. I have learned to take comfort in that. As long as I have that pain, as long as I miss him, I still have part of him. I can't imagine what could happen to me missing him hurt less. That just isn't possible.

Heatherlyn said...

I'm glad you saw blue jays! :)

My Mom was really private and didn't want me to discuss any details of her life either when she was alive. I really wish I could have. I think I went through most of my stages of grief when she was dying. :(

I'm sorry you are in pain. I think it just takes a bit of time. It always sucks when your parents aren't there on your birthday. :( And I had no mother to celebrate on mother's day. That sucked. But I am, again, glad for you about the blue jays.

Jenners said...

Yes he was there. Remember that. Hold onto it.