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The other day I was..umm..kinda yelling at my kids because they were wrestling.
I smiled, because I imagined my father sitting beside me.
He would have said sarcastically, "Why don't you have a few more kids?" and then he would have giggled at his humour.
Last week I was in the grocery store and saw a freshly baked Boston Cream Pie.
I smiled because I remembered how much my daddy loved them.
Today I was remembering how much my dad used to hate cats.
Then, all of a sudden he loved them.
So much, that he and mom had a few at home that I think he loved more than me.
I smiled.
On Nicholas' birthday last week, I remembered my daddy standing outside the birthing room waiting for his first grandchild to be born 12 years ago.
He was so excited.
And nervous.
And fell madly in love with his grandson instantly.
I remembered dad "inspecting" Nicholas and how he was completely in awe of his perfection.
I smiled.
A few weeks ago I drove my father's pick up truck.
It still smells like him.
I tried to smile, but I couldn't.
Because he isn't here today, on what would have been his birthday.
Happy Birthday up in Heaven, Daddy.
MamaKat
26 people lost their lives on December 14 for no reason.
All because of one young "evil". I cannot call him a human being because, I believe, deep in my heart that no human being would purposely take the lives of precious 6-7 year old children and the wonderful people who dedicated their lives to teaching them.
Sickening.
I have spent the last three days glued to the television.
In tears.
Angry.
Asking why?
But, we all know that whatever "Evil's" reason was for viciously taking their lives, it doesn't matter.
No reason would make it OK. There will never be a time when we say "It's OK that he murdered 26 young, healthy, happy human beings."
His parents divorce.
Learning difficulties.
Autism.
Personality disorder.
Gun ownership.
We can all discuss the issues, "Evil" might have had but it still does not justify his actions.
Yes, mental illness is a huge problem in today's society with long waiting lists and lack of support.
Yes, parents need more help when raising a child with difficulties.
Yes, the gun laws suck balls and need to be changed asap.
But...........
He intentionally killed his mother.
He intentionally broke into an elementary school wearing black and carrying guns.
Then purposely shot 26 innocent victims.....multiple times.
No personal issue excuses that behaviour.
And throwing the autism/mental illness card in the mix makes me so fucking angry. There are millions of human beings with a mental illness or diagnosed with a disorder under the autism umbrella, but they do not murder their mothers and viciously attack children.
There are millions of young adults whose parents have divorced and they turn out to be intelligent, loving human beings who never think to ambush a school with rifles.
To me, there is only one reason.
Evil.
And I hope he was greeted by the Devil.
37 years ago today my father's youngest brother was killed in an accident. Since then my father's parents, older brother and my father himself have joined my Uncle Rick in Heaven.
An entire family.
Gone.
Where is the "dislike" button?
The "not fair" button?
What do Walt Disney, Peter Jennings, Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, my Uncle {dad's brother} and my Dad have in common?
Lung cancer.
November is Lung Cancer Awareness Month. Did you know that???
*Lung Cancer is the deadliest of all cancers.
*In fact it causes more deaths than colon, breast and prostate cancer combined.
*Over half of all people diagnosed with lung cancer, die within one year. My dad lived for almost 16 months.
*Smoking is responsible for the majority of lung cancer cases, BUT it is not the only factor.
*Most cases of lung cancer are not discovered until the disease is very advanced.
I am not one to lecture or judge, but when I see someone smoking, I want to yell at them.
I want to tell them about the hell my young father went through.
The endless appointments.
Procedures.
Medication.
Nurse visits.
Chemo/Radiation.
Being hooked up to oxygen 24/7.
Weight loss.
Hospital visits.
And now he is gone. At 61.
When he should be enjoying retirement with my Mama.
When he should be enjoying his grandchildren.
When he should be enjoying life.
Please don't smoke.
Please donate to lung cancer research.
Please hug your Daddy tight.
grief/grēf/
Noun:
1.Deep sorrow, esp. that caused by someone's death.
If I was a definition creator, I would define grief as "the biggest, largest bag of suckage ever".
But I'm not, so, instead I will just continue grieving with deep sorrow and pain.
While I grieve the loss of my Daddy, I am trying my hardest to not completely lose my shit.
And it is here at my home that I am finding the most comfort in this entire "bag of suckage" that is my life.
Funny how that happens huh?
When my dad was sick, the only place he wanted to be was at home because it brought him comfort.
He felt safe.
And now, my therapy is at my home.
My therapy is being with my children.
My therapy is watching my innocent children live their lives before totally understanding grief and how crippling it is.
My therapy is being outdoors with my hair unkempt and my zits exposed for the bugs and critters to see.
My therapy is listening to Studley snore because that means he is still breathing.
And it reminds me to breathe.
Inhale. Exhale. Repeat.
My therapy is hanging out with these two.
My therapy is planning my vegetable garden.
I just know that spending hours tending to my lettuce, carrots, peppers and tomatoes will calm me and ease my pain.
My therapy is home.
Just like it was for my Dad.
My daddy has gone to Heaven.
I am forever broken.
