.........

The other day I was..umm..kinda yelling at my kids because they were wrestling.
I smiled, because I imagined my father sitting beside me.
He would have said sarcastically, "Why don't you have a few more kids?" and then he would have giggled at his humour.

Last week I was in the grocery store and saw a freshly baked Boston Cream Pie.
I smiled because I remembered how much my daddy loved them.

Today I was remembering how much my dad used to hate cats.
Then, all of a sudden he loved them.
So much, that he and mom had a few at home that I think he loved more than me.
I smiled.

On Nicholas' birthday last week, I remembered my daddy standing outside the birthing room waiting for his first grandchild to be born 12 years ago.
He was so excited.
And nervous.
And fell madly in love with his grandson instantly.
I remembered dad "inspecting" Nicholas and how he was completely in awe of his perfection.
I smiled.

A few weeks ago I drove my father's pick up truck.
It still smells like him.
I tried to smile, but I couldn't.

Because he isn't here today, on what would have been his birthday.

Happy Birthday up in Heaven, Daddy.

MamaKat

Hello from Heaven

Confession.
I have been struggling.
Struggling to remember my Daddy while moving on without him.
It sucks balls.

I remember three summers ago while out on the lake for a boat ride, just after my Uncle passed away.
My dad was upset that his brother was going to miss out on fun times like that.
He was going to miss spending time with his family.
He was missing out on life.

Three years later, while out on the lake for a boat ride with my Dad's family....us.....I think the same thing.
My Daddy is missing out on this.









But then when I look around, I see a butterfly fluttering around the boat....in the middle of the lake.
Every single time we venture out onto the water.
My Daddy is there with us.
Not missing out.


Do you believe that butterflies are signs from those who have passed on?
Do you believe they symbolize re birth?

Stuff I did on the one year anniversary of my daddy entering Heaven.

I had an entire post planned for this day.
But then I got tired of reading my stuff because I am just so flippin depressing and I'm tired of being depressing and all "woe is me".

My dad entered Heaven 365 days ago.
I haven't heard his raspy giggle in one year.
And it effing sucks.

It will always suck.
I will forever hate April {except for the days my loved ones were born}.

Did you know that Columbine happened in April?
The Boston Marathon bombing?
Waco Siege?
Oklahoma bombing?

Oops.....depressing.

My therapist wanted me to do something special today to keep my mind off the everything.
So I ate a huge bowl of Froot Loops.
I went shopping.
Out for lunch with husband. Even thought about getting drunk. But, instead I took my dusty DSLR outside for the first time in over 3 weeks.
I figured, that on this day of losing a life, I would capture new life.

And I found lots of it.

Green grass.
Amen, hallelujah.







I am 99.9% sure my therapist wanted me to get a massage or a pedicure, or even just a new hair do. But this day? I consider making it through without doing the ugly cry, a very huge success.

This is a post about ducks. Just because.

Let me give you some back story before I go on talking about ducks.
My family is lucky enough to have some lakefront property on what I consider to be the prettiest little lake in all of Ontario.
When I am there, I am happy.
Calm.
Relaxed.

It is my Heaven on Earth.
At this Heaven on Earth, there are many families of ducks that come by throughout the day to say hi, sleep...

...or just sit and wait until we throw them some bread.
I believe that they like us and think we are the nicest non-ducks around.

We welcome them and love them even though they don't come close enough for cuddles and kisses.
One day they will though....I just know it.

And then I will become the crazy duck lady.

Have I told you that I enjoy ducks?
I would like some of my own but am afraid the coyotes would get them.

Jerks.
They ruin all of my fun.

Another "first" successfully accomplished.

Confession time.
I am happy summer holidays have finally begun.
Whatishappeningtome???????

I know.
My kids are finally at an age that I enjoy.
Most of the time.
They are finally at an age when they can do alot for themselves and don't need Mommy for absolutely everything.
As much as I love the baby stage, I really like right now.

Anyways.....
the first weekend of summer vacation was spent at my favourite place in the Universe.
I will admit I was very anxious/apprehensive/sad to spend time there without my daddy, but sucked up the tears and successfully made it through another "first".

Yay me!
Yay Mom!
Yay family!
We did it.......
but yes, I still looked many times to see if dad would be pulling up on his motorcycle. I did think of dad complaining about barking dogs every time Studley barked at nothing. I did want to see dad sitting in his lawn chair with his shorts, collared tshirt, white socks and sneakers. I missed sitting with him on the boat.

But I am sure he was there.


There is no way he would miss out on the fun.

Just because he wasn't there physically, doesn't mean he wasn't there....

I mean, really......there is no way he would miss out on his son doing this.

And his granddaughter doing this for the very first time.

He was there.And that is why we pushed ourselves through the weekend with smiles.Thankful for family.Summer.At my favourite place.  

Signs from Heaven

Remember when I mentioned that I asked my Daddy to give me a sign that he was with me on my birthday?
Remember when I told you that I saw more blue jays than ever before so I knew he was "with me"?
Well, I totally forgot about this, until my Mom reminded me..

As the entire family gathered to celebrate Mothers Day outdoors at my Grandma's home, there was a bright yellow bird right above us in the apple tree.

It was very...
...very...
...very...
loud.
With an unusual sound. A loud, high pitched song of some sort was a constant, right above our heads.

My dad was wanting to be a part of the celebration and he let us know all about it.

Thank you Daddy.
Thank you Mom{my} for reminding me of this.Thank you little brother for getting pictures of it.

Do you constantly look for signs your loved ones in Heaven are close by?Is it weird of me to do this?Is this a sign that I am losing my marbles?
What kind of bird is this?

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