Today my kids fought. It is a usual event, but today they threw pizza pockets at eachother. Hold me.

Yo.
Guess what I just did?
I attempted to twerk in front of a mirror.
And it was not a pretty sight.

38.5 year old women who have birthed three children should never, ever twerk.

I am old.
And jiggly.

Group hug please.

*There is a stranger living in my house. 
OK, not really. 
The stranger is actually my husband who has been working for 3.5 weeks and only home to sleep.
Now, his schedule is back to normal and the family is readjusting to being "normal" again.

*Dear Children
This pisses me off.
And this too
Love Mom

*I think I hate Princess Kate.
Her flawless skin.
Her perfect hair.
Her classy wardrobe.
Her perfect body just weeks after having a baby.
Yep, I hate her. I bet she even looks good twerking

*How I look when my kids eat the last cookie

*Dear New Parents
Having a new baby is wonderful isn't it?  I know it seems difficult at times, but, just wait until that beautiful, perfect lil' human gets older and the hormones take hold of their brain and body.  Sorry to rain on your parade, but enjoy the coos and smiles now, before they turn into anger/tears and rage.
Love V

Send me happy pills please.
And send some for my hormonal kid too.

Happy Friday y'all!!!
It's been a bad day.
Feel sorry for me, k?

Linking up with a few of my faves

A Rural Journal

You know what would be great?

*If my children actually put their dirty clothes in the baskets instead of throwing them beside the basket...or in their closet...or under their bed....

*If my children did not spit gobs of toothpaste in the sink.....and then leave it there.

*If they would flush the damn toilet.

*If they would take the dog outside before he pisses on the floor.

*If they would remember we have a dishwasher.....and actually put their dirty dishes in it.

*If they wouldn't fight every 32 seconds.

*If Princess wouldn't tattletale every 47 seconds.

*If they would use stuff for the reason it was made, instead of taking it apart and leaving pieces in every corner of the house.

*If they wouldn't lock each other in the dog crate.
With a real lock.
And then tip it over.
And then scream....and yell....
....and call eachother bad names.
And then lose the key.


Just sayin'

Hosted by Cecily and Lolli  

A Night Owl

A Letter to My Family

Dear Family.

This is called a dishwasher.

Please use it.

Love Momma

Short and Sweet

See this?

It is snow.

I f-ing hate snow.


That's all.

It is a memorable day in Momma's blog life

I received my first nasty comment today.

Wow your a bitch no one forced you to meet the characters so don't get mad when you have to wait in line. Just saying.

I am not sure if I should celebrate because someone took the time to read my blog and then comment or if I should cry in the corner because someone doesn't like me.

I am a real people pleaser and have been known to go out of my way to get everyone to like me.

And then I turned 36.

Now I just don't care.

So, to the anonymous reader who took a few moments out of their day to form an opinion about me and expressed themselves without letting me know who they are, thank you.

I hope that one day, you feel comfortable enough to leave your name so we can discuss the topic of  Disney Princesses further.
And...maybe I can teach you some grammar and spelling lessons.

Love Momma.

*Question for the people who still love me even though I am a bitch.   Do you allow anonymous comments on your blog????

I do not like people

{This picture has nothing to do with this post...except it is quiet and peaceful and there are no people around.}

I took my kids to a very busy public place today and realized something.

I do not enjoy people.
Unless I know you and like you and you are part of my circle.
When I go out, people annoy me.
I often find myself looking at them just shaking my head, wondering what the heck they were thinking when they just cut off my young children or belched in a public place.

As I grow older, I am realizing that I will not tolerate crap.
If you cut my children or anyone I love off, I will let you know it is not OK.
If you throw something directly at my children, I will inform you that if you continue, I might just throw something back at you.
If you push anyone in my "party" out of the way so you can see the bubbles, I will push my way back in and say "Excuse you" very loudly.

If you piss off my children, I will allow my children to speak their mind freely.
If you are not supervising your children, I will tell you to...or I will supervise them myself so they understand that their poor behaviour is not OK.

I do not enjoy people.
They probably don't enjoy me, so we are even.

More PSF here

Pet Peeve #3873

The R Word.
I do not like to say it so I will say it rhymes with "betard".
Nothing ticks me off more than hearing human beings call other human beings the R word.
And when I hear teenagers...or even young children use that word when describing other people, it makes me sad that somehow, somewhere it has been accepted.

The R word is unacceptable in any context.

Maybe I am sensitive because I have supported many individuals who have been described using that horrible word.
Maybe I am sensitive because I have never been the type of person to use such disrespectful, demeaning words when talking about others.
Maybe I am sensitive because it is just cruel and have seen people hurt by this word.

I am begging parents to not allow their children to use this word anywhere, any time.
Please teach your children that there are other ways to describe people.
Like kind and friendly.
Funny and sweet.

It is important that children {teenagers included} accept others no matter how they look and how they act.
They must understand that everyone is different and special in their own way.
Like the old saying goes "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all"

Or, better yet, find the good in everyone.
Because everyone is good.

I found this definition at urbandictionary.com
retard
A person born with a mental condition and therefore has to work a million times harder to be able to do simple things (such as learn and communicate) that we take for granted. On top of this, a retard will usually suffer a lot of ridicule from society because people fear what they do not understand. The people who choose to make fun of the mental retarded tend to be complete morons and cannot comprehend that these people have feelings and emotions just like anyone else.
I find it amusing that saying somebody has cancer would not be taken as a joke and yet, using another disease such as mental retarded as an insult is common among society, and many do not realize that it is very offensive and that there is something seriously wrong about it.

36

That is how old I am today.
It is Friday the 13th and I am 36.
Shitastic.
I recently saw this picture of myself that was taken approximately 10 years ago.

A few things came to mind.

* I looked young
* My skin was healthy
* I didnt have dark circles under my eyes
* I was skinny
* I looked happy
* No wrinkles
* My hair wasnt frizzy

Then I cried.
Like ugly cry, cried.

I am totally old guys.
36 can suck it.


Cecily's Princess is 4 today. Go say happy birthday!!!

I'm Going to Miss This. Or at least that is what I tell myself.

One day I will miss the little things that my kids do.
I tell myself this every day when I walk into the washroom and find this.

I take a deep breath.
And smile.
And tell myself that they are just kids and it is OK that they feel the need to spit their toothpaste in the sink like this.
Then leave it there to harden.
It is OK.
Because one day I will miss this.

Go see more Wordful Wednesday stuff here

And here

Gum.

Chewed gum.Thrown on the floor.
And left there for the Magic Cleaning Fairy to pick up.
Chewed gum thrown underneath beds and forgotten about.
Until Mom looks for dirty socks.

Apparently my children think they run this home.

And have it pretty easy.

So help me think of a creative way to let them know that this is not acceptable......

other than yelling....having grown up sit down talks about why this isnt ok and taking the gum away.

Because that doesnt work and they end up throwing garbage from other food on the floor.

And then it is an entire new battle.

And Momma is tired.

And fed up.

And is thinking of sending them out to live in the barn.

Perturbed.

I admit it. I am officially frustrated.

Perturbed, actually.

I am 4 pounds from my goal weight.  The weight I said was the ideal weight for me and would make my life complete.

I had visions of hitting my goal, putting on a frilly dress and bonnet and then singing "The Sound of Music" on top of a mountain. Then I would hug my kids and we would skip through the flower covered meadow.  I would see my skinny shadow, smile and head to the local burger joint for a celebratory fatty, greasy meal.

I was supposed to hit my goal on April 26.

It is now May 10. 

I am not there yet.

I am angry.
Frustrated.
Perturbed.  {my word for the week}
Constipated.
Bloated.

And many other things I wont share out of fear of losing followers.  My ego doesn't need that right now.

But......

I am trying to appreciate my success so far.  The fact that I am down 3-4 sizes.  The fact that I can fit into fancy dresses I wore when I was in college.  The fact that I apparently have really skinny ankles and wrists.

And the fact that I am 27 pounds lighter than I was at Christmas.
And have lost 35 inches....even if most of it came from my boobs.

But, the most important thing I am trying to remember is that I am healthy.  I no longer drink pop,  eat processed food and red meat.

Except for my greasy burger when I hit my goal weight.


*Go here to see how Miss Blair is doing

Boys and Dirt

Excuse me while I bitch.
I am PMSing and feel the need to vent or I may just put my shoes on....get in my van.....go for a drive.....and not come back.

I am sick and tired of dirt.
I know. I know. Boys and dirt go together.

But I just cannot take the dirty fingernails anymore.
And the dirt encrusted shoes....
...the grass-stained jeans.....
with holes that mysteriously (cough) get bigger.

I cannot take the "holey", dirty socks.
The shoes full of sand.
The nose-picking.
Butt-picking.
Smelly.
Dirty boys.

I'm tired of cleaning up after them.
Fighting with them to shower.
Fighting with them to change their underwear.
I am tired of walking in their room and smelling dirty feet.

I.Am.Tired.Of.The.Dirt.

{vent over}

{Thanks for listening/reading}

Hosted by Cecilyand Caitlin

A Letter to my Family

Dear Family ,
See this silver appliance underneath the dishes you carefully placed on the counter? The big silver thing that obviously needs to be wiped clean?


No....

How about this picture?


It is called a dishwasher.

Please use it.

Love

A Letter

To The People Who Live in British Columbia
Your weather sucks.
Love Momma

Matchmaker Momma

Eep! I am so friggin excited to be co-hosting Photostory Friday with one of my favourite gals. I have stalked admired her for a long, long time and she finally noticed.

Ok, I paid her.

Thanks Cecily for this honour. *wet kisses and hugs*

Mr. Woods, I would like to introduce you to someone who has alot of the same interests and hobbies as yourself. I believe you two will get along wonderifically and have endless topics to discuss.
The similarities may not look obvious when you first meet this person, but once you get talking, you will quickly realize that you are more alike than many other human beings.
I believe that you two can be the best of friends. Confidantes. Buddies. I believe that the two of you deserve each other and should move to a deserted island all by yourselves and live your lives out together away from others.
If you can manage to be without many of the luxuries you have enjoyed recently. It may be tough at first but I am hopeful you can survive.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

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Mr. Woods, meet Mr. James.

Make sure you come back tomorrow (Friday) for a huge giveaway. There are many opportunities for you to get in many entries...because I am nice like that and love my readers immensely.

I also love the word immensely.

But anyways.

Hosted by Cecily and Momma

To play Photo Story Friday, check this. Copy this code into your post and sign the link list:

<center><a href="http://mychaosmybliss.blogspot.com/2007/06/photo-story-friday-and-rules.html" target="_blank"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2526/4235120634_71d9399b5f_o.jpg" border="0" alt="PhotoStory Friday" /></a><br/>Hosted by <a href="http://mychaosmybliss.com/" target="_blank">Cecily</a> and <a href="http://livelaughpullhairout.blogspot.com" target="_blank">Momma</a><p/></center>

Thank You Very Much -Zoo Edition

Welcome to another week when Momma says a few thank yous. Because she is nice like that....or maybe not.

I consider this my therapy. Free therapy.

So instead of me paying hundreds of dollars to sit on your couch and bitch, you can sit back, nod your head and validate my feelings. For free.

Thank You.

This week I am saying many TU's to one of the largest Zoos in Canada. Brace yourselves.

*To the Zoo who refused to accept our gift certificates because they were recently expired. Thank you very much.

*To the Zoo who charged us $78 admission after denying our gift certificates, thanks alot.

*To the Zoo who charges the same price to enter even though many of the attractions do not open until the summer, thank you very much.

*To the Zoo who did not have many of the popular animals out and about for people who spent $78 to see them, I thank you.


*To the parents of rude children who pushed my children so they could see the animals, thanks alot. I appreciate your wonderful parenting skills and enjoyed watching you not teach your kids respect and courtesy.

*To the restaurants and snack bars at the Zoo, I thank you for charging $4 for a small pop.

*Thank you for making the Canadian Domain approximately 1 mile down a steep hill and only one way out. Up the 1 mile steep hill. It is ok that we had to push a stroller, carry our camera and listen to our children whine and complain while trying to find our own lungs as we made our way to the top. Really.

*Thank you for not having my kids favourite area open at all. I didn't mind that they were bummed out about it. I enjoy listening to my children whine more often than they already do. The fact that we spent $78 to see it didn't upset us at all.




*Oh yeah, and thanks for keeping the giraffes behind a 25 foot tall fence instead of in the open field where they can come right up to us. I wasn't upset about that. Not one bit.


*To the gift store at the Zoo that charged us $78 admission, thanks for charging $20 for a Webkinz that is $12 anywhere else. We understand you need the money.

*And last but not least, to the young man at Customer Service, thank you for refunding our $78 and accepting our gift certificates after all. I realize that my husband may have scared you a tad with his deep, loud very angry voice but your kindness was appreciated.

We will not be returning anytime soon.

Love Momma