2012. The Year I Get My Ass Back

*Warning. This post is full of very short sentences.*

 OK bitches. Enough is enough. It is time for "Project GetmyfatassarmsandthighsinshapebeforeIhavetoputonshortsandswimsuits".  Over the Christmas season I ate alot of crap. And I enjoyed every second of it until my pants got too tight and I felt like dog poop.  Then I got depressed and ate more junk food and continued to feel like death. It's a never ending cycle. You see, I have this condition. I like to call it Denial. I can look in the mirror for months and think I look good but then one day I wake up, put on my jeans and notice that I am cushy-mushy. I am at the point now where I am not happy with the way my clothes are fitting and the way I feel. I don't want to suck in my gut all day every day. I don't want to wear long sweaters to hide my ass. I do not want my children flapping my arm wings any longer. And these zits. Man, I don't know about you but I have more zits now than I did throughout my entire teen aged life. Life is cruel.  So I have decided to do something drastic. Like, I mean friggin monumental. 2012 will be the year that I put myself first. *gasp* I will go to the gym. I will go running. I will run a 5k...maybe even a 10k. I will not feel guilty about taking "me time". I will allow myself to do the things I want to do because I am realizing that life is too short to put things off...to put myself last. I went to the gym three times last week and worked out for 90 minutes a day. It felt so good to sweat and hurt. I almost even sang out loud to my workout tunes but thought people might look at me funny. And when I was doing weights, I might have even grunted a bit. *dontcha hate when people do that?* I am determined this time. Except I refuse to step on the scale. I just want to feel good and have my pants fit. And lose the jiggly wigglys. That's all.

Why I exercise

Sometimes certain "crap" comes into my life when I am trying to better myself.
I finally get on the road to living a healthy lifestyle and putting my well-being at the top of my list, and then something shows up.

Like these.


So, now I basically exercise to burn these suckers off of my ass.
Because I just cannot say no when I see the {very large} bags looking at me in the aisle at Costco.

Damn you willpower!


Confession time.
I hide the bag in the laundry room cupboard and grab handfuls....shove those handfuls into the pocket on my hoodie and eat them secretly so my children wont eat them.

My children haven't caught on...yet.

Running and Pain go together like Chocolate and Milk

So a few weeks ago I had this brilliant idea to become a runner. I had this vision in my head of me running in a bathing suit and nothing jiggling in the breeze.

Kinda like the Baywatch girls...but me.

Create your own FACEinHOLE

I have been going to the gym to lift weights and tone my jiggly parts.
Running at the track with my running shorts and Ipod.
Tanning to camouflage my "Mommy Lines" if you know what I mean.

And my body has decided to yell very loudly at me

"WTF are you thinking? You have never been a runner and you think now that you decide at the age of 35 to become all healthy, that I am just going to...umm....move? You are out of your flippin mind!!!"


My body is fighting me with all it can.
My feet hurt.
My legs hurt.
My mind prefers to just sit on the couch and tries to talk me into it every single day.
My tummy likes chocolate....and cookies....and soda....and everything that it shouldn't.
My feet hurt.

I am old.

But determined.
I think.

Now Accepting Applications for the Jiggly Runners Club.

I have started running.
It is OK to laugh. I laugh at myself all of the time.
I have been going to the gym, but I am bored and felt I wasn't working myself hard enough.
So I had the brilliant idea to drive to the local recreation complex and run the track.

I ran/walked 5 miles the first night.

And havent walked normally since.

But I am determined.
I am determined to become a runner.
Because they have bodies like this.



And I want that body.

But as I run, I see my reflection in the windows and notice things.
Jiggly tummy.
Jiggly boobs.
Jiggly thighs.

I am nowhere near the way I want to look and once again feel like I am left out of the "Cool Club".
I want to be a part of the "Cool Runners Club".
I don't want jiggly parts anymore.

But my legs hurt.
And my feet ache.
And I like to eat.

Is there such a club known as the "Cool Jiggly Runners Club"?
I think I could be President.


This post was loosely inspired by MamaKat and her wonderful weekly prompts. I bet she doesnt have jiggly parts.

The Plan

Bonjour mon amis.

That's french for "Hello my friends", just in case you were wondering.

I apologize for my absence in the blogosphere lately. It appears this new school routine is kicking my ass and I am having a tough time finding the time to sit down at the computer.

I am also back at the gym working out three days a week.

Insanity.

I managed to remain steady at 33 pounds weight loss throughout the summer.  I didn't lose any more, but I didn't gain any either which is huge considering I didn't exercise at all.  Now my mission is to tone my flabby thighs and raise my buttocks so it looks like I have a bum instead of droopy Mom buttocks.  Hmph.

My plan is this.

*Gym three days a week.  Monday, Wednesday and Friday I will drive my droopy butt to the the gym.  I will start with 15 minutes of hard cardio. 

"Hard cardio" means I am going to get on the elliptical at a high level and get my heart pumping and sweat dripping.  Attractive, I know.

I will then complete a circuit of weight machines working on both my upper and lower body.  While enduring this Hell, I will groove out to tunes on my Ipod and maybe sing loud enough for others to look at me strangely. 

It's ok.  I am used to it.

I might even dance my way to each machine just to change it up abit.

Don't judge.

After I am finished the weights I will then head over to the cardio area again and do 15 more minutes.

Then do 3 sets of 25 sit ups.

And stretching.

*I will continue to eat healthy high protein meals balanced with healthy carbs and fats.

*I will not eat processed, prepackaged foods {often}

*I will stay away from soda {as much as I can}

*I will only drink water

So that's it.  That is my plan.  I don't have any number goals because I am happy with my current weight.  What I want is to be toned.  I want to lose the softness.  I want to lose inches.

Who is going to join me???  No pressure.  I am thinking we can just be there for each other and help one another stay motivated to just BE HEALTHY.

Deal?

waiting for the calls.......

Damn you Supernanny!

And Jillian!

And Maks!

None of you have called.

My children are out of control. They cut their stuffed animal's hair just for the fun of it. They hide bags of Oreo cookies under their beds. They pee outside. Write me awful notes.  Not to mention the fighting, cursing, showing their privates to each other, throwing Play-Doh at the ceiling to see if it will stick and playing soccer in the family room.  Supernanny...I am waiting for your call.  And when I get it and do the ugly cry over the phone, please feel free to admit me to the psych ward at the local hospital while you work on my children.  I want strong meds.  I want sleep.  I want quiet.  I want my sanity back.  I want my children to be angels when I come home.

And Jillian.  Why arent you here with your attitude and harsh words forcing me to get on the treadmill?????  Instead, I wait for your call filling my face with animal crackers and cheese.  I blame it all on the Supernanny.  If she called and whipped my children into shape, I wouldn't be so stressed and emotional.  I would want to exercise while my children played nicely together and told me how much they appreciate all I do for them.

Maks.  I am waiting for your proposal but apparently you are too busy with that tall blond chick who danced with you on that show.  Pfft.

Or you heard about my misbehaved children.


Go see MamaKat here.  She is a pretty funny gal.  Ok, she is frickin hilarious! 
And......one of her prompts this week was inspired by one of my posts.  You can see that post here.

McFatty Momma/Monday

It is Monday. The beginning of a very crappy, devastating week in the life of Mommas family.

But I am going to muster up the energy to write a McFatty post, just because I love all of you.

Please let me ask if you will pray for a miracle for a family member who received horrible news over the weekend.

Please.

I don't ask for much.

{except chocolate}

But this time I am desperate.

More information to come when I am able to write more without getting emotional.

Annnyways...............

I have lost 21 pounds. 30 inches.
And seem to be stuck.
My body seems to like my current weight and prefers I stay this way.

But I don't want to.
I have 9 pounds to go dang it.

Over the last few days I have realized that I am an emotional eater. When I am sad, I want to eat everything I see. When I am angry, I want to eat everything I see in the stores.

And I am fighting my urges. Practically biting my tongue to keep my mouth shut!

Sad huh?

But I am terrified that I will lose the battle in this time of emotional weakness.


So along with my request to pray hard, I also have to ask how you fight the urges to stuff your face full of fatty foods when you are going through difficult times.

When your weight plateaus, how do you fight your way to lose those last few pounds.....especially during a time when the last thing you want to do is exercise.

I am struggling people.

Help Momma out.


*Go check out McSkinny aka Blair to see how much progress she has made.

Resolutions that I probably wont keep but I am going to try so frickin hard!

Click here and on the button below to view more.

We have almost entered the Year 2010.
Freaky huh?
Wasnt the world supposed to end 10 years ago?

2010 will be the "Year of Momma". The year that I finally think of myself and do things to better my life and improve my mental state.

Not that I have mental issues. *twitch*

In the Year 2010 I will work my fat ass off to look like this

Which means I will also need alot of surgery, so I will be playing the lottery every week.



In the Year 2010, I will do more of this



And because I will be smiling more, I will invest in some teeth whitening services.




In the Year 2010, I will appreciate my children more. I say this every morning when I wake up but this time it is different. Really.




I will smile and appreciate my children even when they are fighting and calling eachother "friggin a-holes".




In 2010 I will do more of this



And I will smile while reading a juicy novel on the beach with my perfect bod.



In the Year 2010, I will learn how to take better pictures and uncovering the secret to convincing all three children to smile when they see the camera.
At the same time.



I would also like to learn how to better edit my pictures.



And win a trip somewhere pretty so I can spend a week taking pictures of pretty things. Just because.



In the Year 2010, I will eat less of this


And drink less of this


Ok, lets be honest here. Basically the Year 2010 will be the year that I starve myself while hiding out in my bedroom reading romance novels.



But I will be smiling with nice white teeth.



Happy Friggin New Year!

My Plan

Have I mentioned that the famdamily is heading to Florida in a few weeks?
Have I mentioned that we are staying at a Disney resort?
Have I mentioned that I am totally flippin excited?

No?
Well then you don't read this blog as often as you should.

Shame, shame, double shame on you.

This whole vacation thing is, well, difficult because it means warm weather, summer clothing and bathing suits.

*gasp*

I don't do well in anything other than jeans and a sweatshirt.

So I am thinking that I may start going to the gym every single day. And working out for 2+ hours at a time. Because I have nothing else to do. I also decided that I will starve myself and take laxatives.

And then maybe. Just maybe, I will look like this.



Create your own FACEinHOLE

Thoughts

First day of school. I was sad to see the boys walk into the school. Really. Honest.

Went to the gym. Haven't been there since February.

Had a reunion with my friends Treadmill and Elliptical.

They didn't remember me.

Damn them.

I don't enjoy them anyways.

So there.

While sweating to Lady Gaga I looked around. I wondered why women go to the gym to walk leisurely on the treadmill and not even break into a sweat. What is the point? You can walk anywhere slowly. But instead they prefer to pay $60/month to do it.

I also wondered why women go through the trouble of looking good at the gym. Shoes that match their shirts. Makeup. Hair put up neatly.

And then realized that they are the ones walking leisurely on the treadmills.

Hmmmm............

I burned 500 calories at the gym.

Then came home and ate some peanut M&M's.

My Current Addiction

I like to think that I do not have an addictive personality.

I rarely drink.
I do not smoke.
I do not do drugs even though I like cough syrup alot because it helps me sleep.

But I do have addictions.

They are ok addictions to have though.

I think.

Blistex. Having soft lips is a good thing.
Hand lotion. Dry skin is icky.
Gossip magazines. I am an expert on Heidi and Spencer.
Chocolate. It is a dairy product.
Etsy. I am supporting small shops.
Costco. Just because.

But I have a new one.

I bought one of these.

A pedometer.

I thought that since I am not going to the gym and still enjoy eating dill pickle chips and chocolate, I may as well get myself walking.

No, I am not pregnant.

So I put one of these on in the morning.

And check it about 991 times in a day.

I shake it a few times to add a few more steps.

But that's ok.

Because shaking is exercise too.

The good news is I am walking 20, 000 steps a day.

The bad news is I am not losing any weight.

I wonder why.

* This was part of MamaKat's Writers Workshop. Go here for more.*

Random thoughts

* Go here for my giveaway.



Thoughts taking up space in my already overloaded brain.

* I wish I had a waist again. I miss it.

* I wish I had time to go to the gym so I could get re-acquainted with my waist.

* I wish I had a smaller butt. Maybe if I wouldn't sit at this damn computer it would help a bit. Nah.

* I wonder if my friends Treadmill and Eliptical miss me. It has been awhile since I visited them.

* Those Mini Eggs I had at lunchtime were yummy!

* I have no idea why I am not losing weight.

Go see Unmom for more random thoughts.

T-T-T-Tribute

A Jay and Deb Production.

I had it all planned. I was going to do an un-funny, serious tribute today.

I wanted to take the morning to plan what I was going to say so it would be just right.

And then I went to the gym.

I burned 600 calories on the eliptical and pumping iron while listening to my groovy tunes on my MP3 player. "I will not be called "Jiggle" anymore" was all that went through my mind.

I thought I should do a Tribute post to my dear friend Eliptical but I have already done that and then I thought I should do one for my MP3 player.

Nope. I said I was going to do a serious one today.

Ummm....maybe next week.

This week my tribute is dedicated to the women at my gym.

Why?

Because, they provide the majority of entertainment for me while I am sweating on the machines. The MP3 player and Ellen Degeneres show is fun to listen to and watch, but people- watching at my "All Female" gym is more entertaining.

So......

-I thank the lady that wore a red sequined shirt while working out...err.....walking on the treadmill. The black socks and turquoise track pants made the ensemble interesting. Note to self....do not wear black ankle socks.

-I thank the exercise addict who spends an entire hour running on the treadmill in tiny shorts. The tattoos that cover your legs are a project for me. I like to spend my time trying to figure out what they are and the significance they may have that convinced you to permanently mark your body.

-I thank the lady who wears the skimpiest little outfits to an all female gym. I often wonder who you are trying to impress. There are no men in our gym. Unless you like women and are trying to impress the lady in the sequined shirt.....

-I thank the middle aged women who come to exercise in full makeup. I like to see the changes in your faces from the time you start to the time you finish.

-I thank the singers that come to exercise. Just to let you know,when you sing along to the music playing through your headphones, other people can hear you. It is so much fun trying to fugure out what song you are actually trying to sing.....

The post is dedicated to all of you. Thank you for making my time go fast while burning off some of my jiggle. Muchly appreciated.